Be a Parent and Not a Referee: Simple Tips to End the Fighting

It’s the soundtrack to parenthood: the battles, the bickering, the rivalries. Mom- she’s touching me! He’s looking out my window! Tell her to get out of my room! Even on the best of days these sibling squabbles can make you want to pull your hair out. Add in busy schedules and mounting stress and coming home to conflict and contention can just be too much to handle. So what can you do when your living room more closely resembles a war zone rather than the relaxing retreat that it should be?

Though you can’t force your siblings to be best friends, you can get a handle on their squabbles and create a (relatively) harmonious home.

As you probably know already, just saying ‘You kids stop your fighting!’ isn’t going to cut it. Kids respond to firm boundaries and clear cut directives. So what you have to do is lay out some non-negotiable rules and enforce them…period.

There are four simple house rules that will result in a (temporary, at least) cease-fire on all the fighting. The key to successful implementation: consistency, consistency, consistency! (Did I say consistency?)

No yelling. Instate a ‘vow of yellibacy’ in your house and enforce it. When tempers flare and feelings are hurt, the volume decimal tends to rise, causing arguments to quickly escalate and get out of hand. Just remember: the ‘no yelling’ rule isn’t only for the kids, it goes for you too. Parents have to set the example for staying calm and collected when they are upset or angry as well. This should be rule number one. All family members must use calm voices only—no yelling allowed. And if talks get heated, anyone can make a time-out hand sign hinting that he needs to cool down. When cooler heads prevail, arguments get resolved much more quickly and in a way that is less stressful for everyone.

No taking without asking. Property ownership can be a BIG deal to little ones, and the time honored “Mooom, she’s touching my stuff!” complaint can be frequent in multi-child households. This can be a particularly touchy issue for tweens and teens- especially if there is a younger sibling in the house. Older siblings can get pretty upset when their iPods and laptops are confiscated by tiny sticky (literally!) fingers. Insist that permission of the owner must be granted before borrowing, using, or taking any property. Not only will this cut down on the conflict, but it will also make it easier to resolve any arguments that may come up. If permission was not asked for and granted, then you know who broke the rule. Simple as that.

No hurtful behaviors. With bullies and mean girls running the schools, it’s important that you set the standard for you home to be a safe haven for your kids. It should be a place free from hurtful behaviors. Set a strict policy: name-calling and hitting will not be tolerated, under and circumstances and they will result in a consequence. Tolerating hurtful behavior inside your home only encourages your kids to display it when you aren’t around as well- and that’s not a character trait any parent wants to encourage. This rule should stand for each child in your home, no matter what age they are. The consequences may differ according to the age group: for a younger child, a display of hurtful behavior will result in a time-out. If your child is older, then it means the loss of a privilege. While hitting and hurtful words are sure to happen when it comes to siblings, it’s up to you to make them understand that you will not tolerate it under any circumstance.

No involvement without evidence. If you are the parent of siblings, you’ve probably also spent a good deal of time playing referee. Kids are quick to run to a parent’s aid to help settle their disagreements and if you weren’t a witness to the incident itself, then it can be hard to know exactly what to do. Borba says you should get involved in the conflict only if you actually saw or heard it occur. This will help to keep you neutral and will encourage your kids to adopt strategies to help them work things out for themselves. If your kids seek your help, but you don’t have any evidence, then step away. Instead, suggest that they use Rock, Paper, Scissors to work out their problem. This prevents you from having to choose sides or take one kid’s word over another’s—and it will also teach them to work things out for themselves. After all, you won’t always be there to help them resolve their problems, so it’s better that they acquire the skills at home so they are ready when the time comes.

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research . The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has recently been released and is now available at amazon.com

Simple Tips to Prevent Childhood Obesity

I am always skeptical of easy fixes.

If a diet or a product or a book claims that they will have astounding results with little pain, my first instinct is to run in the other direction.

However, a study that will be published in March in the journal Pediatrics looks at risk factors for obesity and has three simple bits of advice that I think are worth following.

1. Eat with your family.
2. Decrease TV time.
3. Get more sleep.

Simple, right?

But are these recommendations really so simple? If so, why aren’t we all doing them?

Our lives are busy and some families do have difficulty intergrating consistent mealtimes during a week filled with work and kids activities. Parents allow their children to watch a lot of TV and playing video games and spend hours on the computer for a variety of reasons, including their children’s insistence and their fatigue at fighting and limit setting. And bedtimes creep later when kids fight and scream and yell and refuse to go to bed, and parents just don’t have the energy to fight it.

But making little steps towards these goals can really be a game changer for your family, and for your kids health now and in the future. According to one of the authors of the Pediatrics study, children who practiced all three of these behaviors had a 40% lower risk of obesity than those who did not.

So try it.  This week…

…Eat one more meal with your family than you usually do.

…Make some rules for kids about “screen time”. And enforce them. Every time.

…And put your kids to bed earlier: maybe start 15 minutes earlier, and go from there.

…And while you’re at it, put yourself to bed a little earlier too.   Sweet dreams….

Tips for parents:

To keep your family healthy and decrease your risk of obesity:

• Eat family meals together more than five times a week.
• Limit your children to no more than 1 hour of screen time on weekdays, and less than 2 hours on weekends.
• Aim for 10 1/2 hours of sleep for young and school-aged children.

Pediatricians urge food manufacturers to reduce choking hazards

In a policy statement published in the March issue of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) calls upon food manufacturers to reduce choking risks for children. Pediatricians want manufacturers to make foods that are known choking hazards safer by changing the size, shape, and/or texture of high risk foods. They also request labeling of such foods with a warning about the potential for choking. Foods such as hot dogs, carrot sticks, grapes, peanut butter, and many others fall into the high risk category because of the frequency of choking incidents among young children involving them.

Hot dogs can be especially dangerous for young children under the age of 3. The size and shape, along with the ability to compress easily can cause the complete blockage of a child’s airway and can be lodged in too tightly to remove, even with proper medical equipment. According to the AAP policy statement Choking on food causes the death of approximately 1 child every 5 days in the United States. Hot dogs accounted for 17% of food-related asphyxiations among children younger than 10 years of age in a 41-state study.

Whether food manufacturers heed the call to re-design high risk foods or not, parents and child care providers must take responsibility for protecting children against choking on any food. Here are some recommended tips for helping your child eat safely:

• Cut up food into small pieces, no more than 1/2 inch in diameter.
• Do not feed children under the age of 4 any hard, smooth, round or firm foods that have to be chewed with a grinding motion without cutting them up into small pieces. Peanuts, grapes, hot dogs, and carrot sticks must be cut up first.
• Do not let children eat while playing, laughing, walking, or running around.
• Teach your child to chew food thoroughly and to swallow before talking.
• Do not feed popcorn, nuts, or hard candy to children under the age of 4.
• Learn CPR and how to appropriately and safely assist someone who is choking.

Distracted Driving – Don’t Risk It

No doubt. We live in a busy, hectic and connected world. I can stay in touch with anyone from virtually anywhere. Unfortunately this also includes while driving and this practice is commonly referred to as distracted driving. Distracted driving places us all at risk. Distracted driving has become so common place and had resulted in so many traffic mishaps- collisions and fatalities that the federal government has launched a new website to help educate us all with the hope of curtailing the practice. This new site states that:

There are three main types of distraction:

1. Visual — taking your eyes off the road
2. Manual — taking your hands of the wheel
3. Cognitive — taking your mind off what you’re doing

It further states that texting while driving involves all three. Many states have outlawed talking on a cell phone while driving without the use of a hands free device. States are also quickly moving to outlaw texting while driving. Look at your text messages are they really that important? Are they worth risking your life or the life of another. Will you risk your life, the life of your child or whether your child grows up with a parent because you are talking about weekend plans.

Don’t wait for laws to chance or be enforced. Do what’s right- right now.

For more information, check out http://www.distraction.gov

In Memory of Noah…please watch your children around cars

Travis is in the Air Force and we were stationed at Scott AFB in Illinois for quite some time. Illinois was the only place Noah had ever lived…but he was used to moving. We had to move several times from one house to another. This time it was from one house on base (that was scheduled to be renovated) to a brand new house that had just been built down the road. We were all excited, we had never lived in a brand new house before nor one so big. Noah was worried about how we were going to get all of our stuff to the “Empty House”.

Looking back in my memory files, I realize that I don’t have a lot of memory of the day of the accident. Not of the little stuff. I don’t even remember what day of the week it was.

Thursday I think.   July 26, 2007.

There was a buzz in the air that morning. Everyone was excited. Noah just celebrated his 5th birthday the day before, and he was anxious to play with his new scooter.  I had a lot of things to do. Noah had some birthday cake for breakfast. Sure! Why not. I didn’t want to fuss and argue that day. Happy as a lark he was.

I filled up the back of the van with boxes of kitchen stuff to bring to the new house. Noah added a couple of things to put in his new room. The girls helped. I brought several loads of small things down to the new house that morning…setting everything up just right. The bigger stuff would come later when Travis could get off work and we could rent a truck.

I remember backing into the double garage with a little bit of difficulty because the driveway was curved. I didn’t think much about it. I couldn’t bring much in the van because everything had to be weighed so we could get paid from the Air Force for this move. So I headed back home where all the kids in the Cul-de-sac were playing. It was a beautiful, sunny day.

All the kids got out of the road. I had my windows rolled down and I could hear the older kids shout, “Car”. Everyone would dart into the yards and wait for the car to go by and park. They had a good system going.

I backed the van up to the house and parked it. Noah was playing on his new bright colored scooter. I walked down the driveway to check the mail and saw Noah at the top of the driveway, beside the van getting ready to take off like a rocket down my way towards the road. I ran up beside him and gave him a “Smoochie” and told him “I love you.” “Thanks Mom” he said, and away he went. I will be forever glad I said that to him.

The girls were fussing in the house. That was nothing unusual. We were watching a friend’s dog. I had forgotten about that until just now. Lucky was the dogs name, and he happened to be hanging out at our place so I didn’t have to go back and forth to let him out. This is where I draw a blank some.

I just remember after coming home, that I went upstairs in my room and lay down in bed. I was tired already, and the thought of all the work ahead of me for that day made me even more tired. My ear bothered me. It was plugged and in a little pain. I thought I was getting an ear infection.

Travis came home. Noah was excited and followed him up the stairs to where I was. He wanted to talk about the money he got for his birthday. $30.00 is a lot of money to a 5 year old. I heard Noah tell his dad…” You know dad I’m richer than YOU! I have a Million Dollars!” Travis asked him what he was going to do with that Million Dollars. Noah said he was going to buy Orange Tic-Tacs – his favorite treat to get when he went to the Shoppette with his Dad. We all got a great laugh out of that. Noah climbed on the bed with me, and Travis started changing his cloths. Sooner or later Noah was told to go play outside.

Travis and I made plans to go get the truck. Travis knew of a place to rent trucks in the town, not too far away. I kind of dreaded getting up off the bed, because I really didn’t feel well. But I did. I was excited to move into the new house, and there was a lot to be done. I told the girls that we were going to go get the truck, and that I would have to drive the Van so their dad could drive the truck back. I was outside by the van when I asked Beth if she would watch Noah. She didn’t want to and Noah wanted to go with us. I was perfectly fine with him going with us. I didn’t mind at all. It shouldn’t take long after all.

Noah was excited. He was dressed in new cloths that he got from Gramma, and told me after he got buckled into his seat that he “Looked Hot”. Something he undoubtedly picked up from his sisters.

When we pulled into the truck rental place I wondered if the place even rented trucks, because it looked more like a place that just had storage units to rent. I didn’t see any trucks. The parking lot was covered with white rocks. They crunched when I drove over them and parked. Travis got out and went in to do business.

Noah hummed and chattered away behind me in his car seat. It was taking longer than he thought it should so he unbuckled his seat-belt and walked up to stand next to me while I was sitting in the driver’s seat. Noah asked where we were, and I told him this is the place where we are going to borrow a truck so we can take all our stuff to the new empty house. Satisfied with that he wanted to go in and be with his Dad. I told him that was fine, and I would watch him walk to the door. He went in and I called my mother on the phone to tell her that we were moving that day, and we talked a little bit. I saw Travis come out of the building. There was a vehicle on both sides of the van so I couldn’t see Travis after a couple of seconds. I figured Noah was with Travis, happily trotting behind him.

Some time went by and I saw Travis driving the moving truck in my rear-view mirror. I thought they were ready to go because it looked like Travis was setting up the truck to pull out into traffic. I assumed that Noah was in the truck with Travis. But Travis had told him to go wait by the doors to the building. I told my mother that I had to go, because Travis was getting ready to leave. I snapped my cell-phone shut and threw it in the empty seat next to me. I put the van in reverse, threw my arm over the passenger side seat and backed out of the parking spot by looking out the back window.

I heard a bump. I thought it sounded like I ran over a box, but I thought to myself I hadn’t gotten out of the van to put a box behind the van. Suddenly I realized what might have happened, quickly, faster than I could ever explain, I threw the van in drive and parked it again in the spot it was in. Terrified, I jumped out of the van and ran to the back of it. I could hear Travis screaming “NO” as he got out of the truck.

Noah was laying on his belly with his head turned to the left side on the hot rocks that made the parking lot. I tried to pick Noah up, but Travis screamed for me not to. Noah was then on his back, unconscious. I ran into the building where I screamed for someone to call 911! I couldn’t speak anything but that. “My son has been hurt, call 911”

I know someone called, I remember seeing them calmly talking on the phone, but I couldn’t calm down. Travis stayed with Noah, shading his head from the sun. I could not compose myself and ended up crumpled on the floor in the building screaming.

It seemed like it took a very long time for the ambulance to come. I couldn’t watch when they did get there. I was far too out of it. I know they took Noah into the ambulance and they were breathing for him and doing what they could until the helicopter got there. Again it seemed to take a long time. I didn’t feel like we had this kind of time to waste waiting…Something had to be done. I tried to go in the ambulance to keep an eye on my boy, but the police officer wouldn’t let me. He told me it would be better for Noah if I was not in there while I was so upset. I went back into the building. I think I passed out. Blood was on the walls. My glasses were gone. A police officer came in and talked to me. I remember telling him that I didn’t see Noah. I didn’t know he was there! He tried to comfort me, but I think I was beyond needing a pat on the back. I heard the helicopter coming. Before it landed in the road, I tried to see Noah again. The officer standing by the ambulance still would not let me get in.

Quickly they moved Noah from the ambulance to the helicopter and away he went to Childrens hospital in St. Louis. I was left feeling panicked with a strong need to GO! I needed to GO to the hospital. But we could not drive because Both Travis and I were too upset. Someone from Travis’s office came to drive us to the hospital. By this time, almost everyone who needed to know what happened knew. The drive to the hospital was painfully long. I just cried.

When we got to the hospital I plowed through the front doors, Travis was behind me with my purse. I didn’t even realize I had gone through a security check point until Travis told me to wait up. I just needed to get to my son! I asked someone where Noah Allen was. They knew who he was and were expecting us. I remember being led to a small waiting room. No one else was in there. It was quiet…just Travis and myself. I sunk to the floor. Travis stood crying. I didn’t want to be in that room. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I don’t know how much time had passed when someone came in and gave us an update, and told us that Noah was in a coma. I was somehow relieved that at least he was sleeping and not feeling any pain. She took us to the trauma room where they were working on Noah. They were getting him ready to have a CT scan done, and bring him into surgery.

My poor boy lay there on that bed, a nurse breathing for him, and other nurses and doctors rushing around fussing over things I couldn’t even begin to understand. I felt better that I was with Noah. I had decided that he was going to be OK. And we are just going to have a long road of recovery. He might never be the same, but at least I would still have my son.

I don’t remember if they took him away, or if we were taken out of the room. A nurse approached me and asked if I was Dawn Allen. Just like in the movies, I started crying. I thought she was going to tell me that Noah had passed away. I didn’t recognize her as one of my friends until she told me who she was. She just happened to be working in the ER that day. It was time to go to another waiting room on another floor because Noah was going into surgery. The next thing I remember is being wheeled out of a different ER room where I was admitted as a patient. Evidently in the elevator on our way up to the next floor I passed out.

When Travis wheeled me out of the room there were a lot of people from the base there to support us. I remember seeing them and feeling comforted by the fact that they were all there. Everyone introduced themselves. I remember that most everyone were Pastors, Fathers, and the such. We were waiting to talk to the doctor. We didn’t wait very long. The doctors came in the room still in their surgical garb.

The only thing I remember is one doctor telling Travis and I was that Noah was a very sick little boy. Everything after that is a blur. Noah was in Children’s ICU, being kept alive with life support.

During the next couple of days family showed up from out of state, and we had a huge amount of support from the base, and the local church we attended. There were always two people at the hospital with us for the whole time we were there…sometimes more. I hardly left Noah’s bed, as his body continually got worse.

Finally on Saturday, July 28th 2007, tests had shown that Noah’s brain was no longer functioning. We had life support turned off. Family and friends gathered around his bed. Noah’s “million dollars” and his Orange Tic-Tacs lay next to him. We all said our goodbye’s.

We had two funerals for Noah. One was for our Air Force family and our Church family in Illinois. Then the next day Noah’s body was flown to Maine for his final funeral at his grave side. This is where I draw a blank. I have almost no memory for about 6 months after we had the life support turned off. I rely on what my family and friends tell me happened. Travis remembers it all. He was/is my rock. Travis had to make the arrangements. I was useless with grief and guilt and the desire to end my life. I do remember feelings more than I remember events. I remember I hated waking up. It meant I was still alive.

To this day – two years and 7 months later, I still struggle. I have terrible memory problems, major depressive episodes, guilt, hallucinations and super anxieties. Sometimes I feel as though I am a terrible burden to my family. Travis is still my foundation…my rock. We share a bond stronger than ever. I am so blessed to have him.

I am told I am my own worst enemy. No charges were ever brought upon me because it clearly was a horrible accident. Guilt and sorrow are overwhelming at times, and there are still times when I wish someone would run over me and I could be done with this world and go to my baby boy in Heaven, Lord willing.

For now, until I can meet with my son again I have sentenced myself to life.

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Note from Pediatric Safety: Our love and support go out to Dawn and her family…and we are grateful to her for sharing her story to help others. Tragedies like this happen way too often. For more information and how you can help, please visit http://www.kidsandcars.org