Currently browsing Big Book of Parenting Solutions posts

Raising “Onlies” – Parenting Tips for Only Children

What research says on how “onlies” turn out and parenting tips for raising the fastest growing kid breed.

Your Trivial Pursuit question of the day: “What do these famous folks all have in common?”

Cary Grant. Elton John. Chelsea Clinton. Alan Greenspan. Gerald Ford. John the Baptist. Laura Bush. Hans Christian Anderson. Lance Armstrong. Pierce Brosnan. Carol Burnett. Walter Cronkite. Leonardo da Vinci. Mahatma Gandhi. Rudi Giuliani. Robert de Niro. Eleanor Roosevelt. Franklin Roosevelt. Barbra Streisand. John Updike. John Lennon. Joe Montana. Charles Lindberg. Issac Newton. Cole Porter. Elvis Presley. Frank Sinatra. Gregory Peck. Ringo Starr. Condi Rice. Alicia Keys. Jean Paul Sartre. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

If you haven’t guessed, they’re all only children and they’re also a growing breed.

There are currently 20 million single-kid families in the US. The percentage of American women having only one child has more than doubled in 20 years to almost one quarter. (Time).

I was asked to share the latest research findings about only kids on the TODAY show as well as well as special tips to raise singletons. Here are a few tips from my TODAY show segment.

Why the New Down-Sizing Family Trend

The single-kid family is the fastest-growing family trend in the U.S. and most of Western Europe – for a number of reasons including these top three:

Recession and economic crunch. The recession has altered women’s child-bearing desires and for good reason. The average child in the U.S. costs parents about $286,050– before college. Sixty-four percent of women polled said that with the present economic crunch they couldn’t afford to have a baby now; 44 percent plan to reduce or delay childbearing.

Single motherhood increasing. A record 4 in 10 (41%) births were to unmarried women in 2008 which is up 28% since 1990. Single moms is a fast growing breed and many are choosing to adopt and remain single.

Delaying motherhood (marrying later, education, career). The percentage of women giving birth for first time at age 35 or older has increased eight-fold since 1970; among women 40 to 44, the birth rate grew 1 percent to 9.5 births per 1000 women – one of the highest rates ever.

Projections show that the number of only children in the U.S. will keep growing and the new trend is the “down-sized” family.

The Benefits of Raising Only Children

As with every birth order, there are unique pluses and minuses. Here are the top benefits of raising an only child according to the research:

Finances and resources: We can give our “onlies” more financial advantages because we don’t have to share our bank accounts amongst other siblings. The benefits of extra financial resources for tutoring and experiences seem to make a big difference in how only kids turn out.
Greater parental attention and energy: An only child does have a huge advantage in the self-esteem and confidence department because they have all their parents’ attention and energy and don’t have to divvy up their parent’s love with sibs.
Higher academic attainment: Singletons have an edge when it comes to achievement, standardized tests, SATs and intelligence. A 20-year study found only children have higher education levels, higher test scores, better vocabularies, and higher levels of achievement. The chief reason: we give “onlies” our undivided attention and talk more one-on-one so their vocabularies increase – which is an IQ booster. The drawback on this is that we can put too high of expectations on our “one and only” child. Make sure you don’t expect this lone offspring to “complete” you just because she is your one and only.
Closer parent-relationship: No guarantees but for the most part only kids grow up to be happy with closer parent-relationships. (Interestingly enough, anxiety about being the sole caretaker for aging parents is a top only child concern).

The Origin of Those Negative Only Kid Stereotypes

Spoiled. Arrogant. Bossy. Selfish. Maladjusted. Lonely. Bratty. Those are just a few terms often used to describe only children. But where did they come from? Are only kids really doomed?

Turns out all those negative stereotypes about only kids were based on research conducted over 120 years ago by one psychologist, Granville Stanley Hall. Though the 1896 study, “Of Peculiar and Exceptional Children,” proved to be poorly designed (and would be thrown out of psych text books today), it somehow perpetuated a myth that only kids are oddballs and permanent misfits.

The latest studies refute those negative stereotypes of “onlies” and give a far more accurate as well as positive view that should give parents big sighs of relief.

A study of over 20,000 kindergarteners found that teachers rated students with at least one sibling as better able to form and maintain friendships and get along. But those same researchers just released Part II of that study and found that when only kids become adolescents the “lonely” edge decreases. In fact, there was no difference in the social skills of onlies vs. kids with siblings if their parents provided social opportunities.

Parenting Tips to Raise an Adjusted, Happy Only

Every child needs a boost in some area regardless of family size so singletons are no different than other kids. The key parent question is to ask what your child may be missing because of his or her unique growing up experiences, and then find “fill in” the void with the right opportunities. Here are the top three “issues” and solutions:

1. Dethrone your only

Because they are the one and only, they do stand the risk of acting a bit “entitled” which is a huge peer turn off. So beware that you don’t put your kid on center stage or give him the impression that the world revolves around him (even though in your eyes I’m sure he does).

2. Provide social skill opportunities

Find those social outlets for your child to be with other kids so she can learn those essential friendship-making traits: play dates, playgroups, a babysitting cooperative, scouting, church groups, family gatherings with cousins, holidays with friends, neighborhood kids, T-ball, summer camps, Boys and Girls Clubs, and sleepovers are just a few of many options to be on the alert for.

3. Help your child learn to solve conflicts

“Onlies” might have trouble solving conflicts, handling teasing, negotiating or compromising because they don’t have brothers and sisters to help them learn those skills in those day-to-day tiffs and teases. So try not to raise your only child with kid gloves. And make sure you find ways to help your child resolve conflicts and negotiate hot-button issues so she has those skills to handle the real world.

4. Stretch unique talents and strengths

If you’re a parent of an only child, I’d advise you to just do what every other parent should do: reflect on our child’s own unique talents, interests, passions, personality and temperament. Then look at the activities and interests in which she currently partakes.

Do they match her natural nature? Will they stretch his unique talents and strengths? Or are those activities more in sync with what you hope she will enjoy or your own talents, strengths, skills or memories?

Help your child become his own person. After all, your son or daughter deserves that privilege – as does every child.

Breathe: The Kids Will Be All Right (Really!)

If you’re wondering if “onlies” should be treated any differently that kids from multi-sibling families, relax. The single greatest correlation of what raises an emotionally healthy kid has nothing to do with birth order or family size. What matter more in how our kids turn out is our parenting style and how we interact with our kids.

****************************************************************************************************************************

Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research . The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has been released and is now available at amazon.com.

July 25, 2011 | Filed Under Community | 2 Comments

How Kids can Learn to Resist Temptation…and Why They Need to

The Famous Marshmallow Test and Implications for Our Kids’ Later Success

In 1960, Walter Mischel, a psychologist at Stanford University, conducted the now famous Marshmallow Test. Mischel challenged a group of four-year-olds: Did they want a marshmallow immediately, or could they wait a few minutes until a researcher returned, at which point they could have two marshmallows? Mischel’s researchers then followed up on the children upon their high school graduation and found that those who had been able to wait for those marshmallows years before at age four now were far more socially competent: they were found to be more personally effective, self-assertive, and better able to deal with the frustrations of life. The third who waited longest also had significantly higher SAT scores by an average of two hundred points of the total verbal and math scores combined than the teens who, at age four, couldn’t wait. Those results clearly revealed the importance of helping kids develop the ability to cope with behavioral impulses and learn self-control.

Mischel, who is now a professor at Columbia, and a team of researchers are still tracking those four-year olds. Hundreds of hours of observations have been conducted over the years on the participants. At first researchers figured that the children’s ability to wait just depended upon how badly they wanted the marshmallow. But it became apparent that every kid wanted the treat. Mischel now concludes that something else was helping those kids put on the brakes so they could delay their desire. The finding is a critical secret to success and here it is:

Those kids who were able to hold off and not eat the initial marshmallow had learned a crucial skill that helped them do so.

The researcher calls that waiting ability “Strategic Allocation of Attention.” Jonah Lehrer described the self-control skill in an enlightening article entitled, “Don’t!: The Secret of Self-Control” (which I strongly recommend you read).

Instead of getting obsessed with the marshmallow—the “hot stimulus”—the patient children distracted themselves by covering their eyes, pretending to play hide-and-seek underneath the desk, or singing songs from “Sesame Street.” Their desire wasn’t defeated—it was merely forgotten. “If you’re thinking about the marshmallow and how delicious it is, then you’re going to eat it,” Mischel says. “The key is to avoid thinking about it in the first place.”

That finding has enormous ramifications for our children’s social, academic and even moral success.

Why We Can – and Must – Teach Our Kids to Delay Gratification

But here’s the good news: Mischel and his colleagues believe that parents and teachers may be able to teach children skills that help them learn how to delay gratification and stretch their patience quotients. As Lehrer explains in that The New Yorker article:

When he [Mishcel] and his colleagues taught children a simple set of mental tricks—such as pretending that the candy is only a picture, surrounded by an imaginary frame—he dramatically improved their self-control. The kids who hadn’t been able to wait sixty seconds could now wait fifteen minutes.

“All I’ve done is given them some tips from their mental user manual,” Mischel says. “Once you realize that will power is just a matter of learning how to control your attention and thoughts, you can really begin to increase it.”

Meanwhile research is currently under way in classrooms in which teachers are teaching students “waiting” skills and the preliminary results are promising. The real challenge will be to see if those newly-learned waiting skills can be turned into life-long habits–especially in this N.O.W. culture in which our kids have learned to expect instant gratification and reward, ASAP.

Ways to Stretch Children’s “Waiting Ability”

The findings of this research are too critical to overlook. Our first step is to start looking for those countless little everyday moments we can use to help our kids learn to put on the brake. There are dozens of opportunities. Any of these sound familiar?

“Wait just a minute, Sweetie. Mom is on the phone.”

“I know you want a cookie, but you’ll have to wait ten minutes.”

“Sorry. We’re going to open presents after we have our dinner.”

“Nope. You get your allowance on Saturday. No loans until then.”

Besides looking for those waiting opportunity moments, you can teach your child skills that will help him push his own inner pause button. Your child may barrel straight into every task right now, but your utlimate goal is gradually to stretch his ability to control those impulses and learn to wait at his level. Start by timing how long your child can pause before those impulses get the best of him. Take that time as his “waiting ability” (even if it’s only two seconds) and then slowy increase it over the next weeks and months.

Remember, research shows that what a child learns to say to himself (or “self-instruction”) during the moments of temptation is a significant determiner of whether he is able to say no to impulsive urges and/or wait. Keep in mind that those kids who were able to hold off and not eat the marshmallows usually had learned a skill to help delay those urges. Here are six strategies from The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries (pages 93-98) that help kids control impulses. Choose the one that works best for your child and then practice, practice, practice together until that new habit kicks in and he can use it when he feels those impulses taking over.

Freeze. In a calm voice say this to your child: “Freeze. Don’t move until you can get back in control.”
Use a phrase. Have him slowly say a phrase like “One Mississippi, two Mississippi.”
Hold your breath. Tell your kid not to breathe as long as possible and then to take a few long, deep breaths. (Just make sure he remembers to breathe!).
Count. Join your child in slowly counting from on to twenty (or fewer with a younger kid).
Sing. For a young child, ask him to pick his favorite tune, such as “Frere Jacques” or “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and hum a few bars.
Watch. Have him look at his wristwatch and count set numbers of seconds (such as ten). Expand that number to what is appropriate to the child.

Of course, don’t stop here. There are dozens of ways to teach your child to wait. The key is to find a strategy that works for your child, and then keep rehearsing it until your child can use it without you. Just this week I encountered a mom and her four year old utilizing a great “waiting game” strategy. It was in the woman’s restroom of the Denver Airport with one long line (not the thing any young child needing to use that the bathroom wants to see). Her mom took one look at the line, rolled her eyes and then calmly turned to her daughter. “Boy, looks like a bit of a wait, so we’ll have to stand in line. Meanwhile why don’t you sign the “Birthday Song” about three times and I bet it’ll then be your turn.” That little girl’s impatience quickly morphed into singing a tune of the song. Half the line of women joined in to accompany the tune and her mother was right. At the end of the third chorus, she was at the front of the line. Smart Mom!

****************************************************************************************************************************

June 24, 2011 | Filed Under Community | Leave a Comment

Stress Busters for Kids and Teens

Think stress is just for adults? Not these days.

Research finds that between 8 and 10 percent of American children and teens are seriously troubled by stress and symptoms. And stress is also hitting our children at younger ages. If left untreated stress not only affects children’s friendships as well as school success, but also their physical and emotional well-being. Chronic stress symptoms break down children’s immune system as well as increasing their likelihood for depression.

One thing is certain: Stress is part of life and each child handles stress differently. The critical four parenting questions are:

How does my child handle stress?

What could be triggering the stress?

What can I do to reduce unhealthy stress?

And does my child know healthy ways to reduce the stress?

Here are three steps to reduce kid stress and solutions to help children and teens cope with stress.

STRESS BUSTER STEP 1: Defuse Home Stress

One recent study found that 85% of teens say they are stressed—and the number one cause: the stress at home! It may be time to take a Home Climate Stress Check. Here are just a few things to consider:

How is the everyday climate in your home

Does it increase your kid’s stress level or help him relax? Are there opportunities for your family to relax?

Are you watching your family’s diet intake for things that could increase stress?

Are there times you’re modeling how to let down and cool off to your kids?

Are you checking your kids’ (and your) stress loads?

Are you making sure sleep is on everyone’s agenda?

Are you taking time to talk to your kids about their day and their worries?

Are you checking your kids’ work load? Can they keep up?

Watch out! Stress is mounting and is impacting our children’s emotional health. Competition, after school activities, a lack of sleep, a crunched schedule, peer pressure, tests, and bullying are just a few things that boost our kids unhealthy stress levels. Make sure your home is a place where your kids can de-stress. Build in times where you and your kids can relax.

STRESS BUSTER STEP 2: Know Your Child’s Stress Signs

Each kid responds differently, but the key is to identify your child’s physical, behavioral or emotional signs before he is on overload. A clue is to look for behaviors that are not typical for your child. Here are common stress signs to look for in your child:

Physical Stress Signs: Headache, neck aches and backaches. Nausea, diarrhea, constipation, stomachache, vomiting. Shaky hands, sweaty palms, feeling shaky, lightheadedness. Bedwetting. Trouble sleeping, nightmares. Change in appetite. Stuttering. Frequent colds, fatigue.
Emotional or Behavior Stress Signs: New or reoccurring fears, anxiety and worries. Trouble concentrating, frequent daydreaming. Restlessness or irritability. Social withdrawal, unwilling to participate in school or family activities. Moodiness, sulking or inability to control emotions. Nail biting, hair twirling, thumb-sucking, fist clenching, feet tapping. Acting out, anger, aggressive behaviors such as tantrums, disorderly conduct. Regression or baby-like behaviors. Excessive whining or crying. Clinging, more dependent, won’t let you out of sight, withdrawal.

STRESS BUSTER STEP 3: Teach Family Members How to Handle Stress

This last step is crucial but often overlooked: Make sure you teach your child a specific way to reduce stress. Without knowing how to cut the stress, it will only mount. Here are a few strategies. Choose the one that works best for you and your family. Then practice, practice, practice until it becomes a habit and your child can use the stress reducer without you.

Melt the tension: Tell your child to make his body feel stiff and straight like a wooden soldier. Every bone from his head to toe is “tense” (or “stressed”). Now tell him to make his body limp (or “relaxed”) like a rag doll or windsock. Once he realizes he can make himself relax, he can find the spot in his body where he feels the most tension; perhaps his neck, shoulder muscles, or jaw. He then closes his eyes, concentrates on the spot, tensing it up for three or four seconds, and then lets it go. While doing so, tell him to imagine the stress slowly melting away from the top of his head and out his toes until he feels relaxed or calmer.
Use a positive phrase: Teach your child to say a comment inside her head to help her handle stress. Here are a few: “Calm down.” “I can do this.” “Stay calm and breathe slowly.” “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”
Teach elevator breathing: Tell your child to close his eyes, slowly breath out three times, then imagine he’s in an elevator on the top of a very tall building. He presses the button for the first floor and watches the buttons for each level slowly light up as the elevator goes down. As the elevator descends, his stress fades away.
Visualize a calm place: Ask your child to think of an actual place he’s been to where he feels peaceful. For instance: the beach, his bed, grandpa’s backyard, a tree house. When stress kicks in, tell him to close his eyes and imagine that spot, while breathing slowly.
Blow your worries away: An instant way to relax is taking a slow deep breath from your diaphragm that gets oxygen to your brain. A quick way to teach the skill is to tell her to pretend she’s blowing up a balloon in her tummy (as you count “one, two, three” slowly). Then she lets the air out with an exaggerated “Ah-h-h-h” sound (like when the doctor looks in her throat). Explain that taking slow breaths from deep in your tummy will help blow her worries away and then encourage her to practice taking slow, steady breaths by blowing soap bubbles or using a pinwheel.
Find a relaxer: Every child is different, so find what helps your kid relax, and then encourage him to use it on a regular basis. Some kids respond to drawing pictures or writing about their stress in a journal. Other kids say imagining what “relaxing” or “calm” feels like helps. (Show him how to make his body feel like a slowly moving fluffy white cloud or a rag doll). Or allocate a cozy place in your home where your kid can chill out when he needs to ease the tension.

All kids will display signs of stress every now and then. Be concerned when you see a marked change in what is “normal” for your child’s behavior that lasts longer than two weeks. When you see your child struggling and feeling overwhelmed, it’s time to seek help from a mental health professional. And don’t wait: Stressed-out kids are two to four times more likely to develop depression, and as teens they are much more likely to become involved with substance abuse.

****************************************************************************************************************************

Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and WildestWorries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research . The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has been released and is now available at amazon.com.

April 20, 2011 | Filed Under Community | 2 Comments

Practical Tips to Teach Kids the “Never Give Up” Work Ethic

Many historians feel that one of Winston Churchill’s greatest speeches was given at a graduation ceremony at Oxford University. He had worked on the speech for hours. When the moment finally came, Churchill stood up to the cheering crowd, and in a strong, clear voice shouted just three words, “Never give up!” He paused a few seconds and shouted the words again, “Never give up!” He then reached for his hat and slowly walked off the podium, satisfied that he had told the graduates the message they needed to succeed.

We need to make sure we pass on Churchill’s message to our own children. Only when children realize that success comes from hard work and diligence will they be the best they can be.

The following five techniques are designed to boost children’s work ethic and help you help them understand how critical perseverance is to achieving success:

Define “perseverance.” Take time to explain that perseverance means “not giving up” or “hanging in there until you complete the task you started”. When your child sticks to a task, point it out: “There’s perseverance for you. You hung in there with your work even though it was hard.”
Teach “don’t give up” words. Help your child tune in to the language of persevering individuals so that he can learn to use the terms in his own life. Ask, “What are the kinds of things you hear people who ‘don’t give up’ say?” Write a list of phrases, such as “I can do it!” “I’ll try again.” “Don’t give up!” “I won’t quit.” “Hang in there. Don’t stop!” “It’s usually harder at the beginning.” “Almost! Try again.” “You’ll get it. Keep at it!” “The more you practice, the easier it will be.” “Keep it up–don’t stop!” “The harder you try, the more successful you’ll be” and hang up the poster; encourage everyone to say at least one phrase a day. The more you repeat those phrases the more likely your child will be to adopt them for his self-talk.
Model effort and a strong work ethic. Take a pledge to show your child how you don’t give up on a task even when things get difficult. Before starting a new task, make sure your child overhears you say: “I’m going to persevere until I am successful.” Modeling the trait is always the number one teaching method.
Start a family, “Never give up!” motto. Begin using the family motto, “Don’t quit until you succeed.” A father once told me that conveying this life message to his children was so important that they spent an afternoon together brainstorming family anthems about perseverance such as “Try, try, and try again and then you will win,” “In this family, we finish what we start,” and “Quitters never win.”They wrote the mottos on index cards, and his kids taped them on their bedroom walls. Develop your own family anthem as a reminder that your family code of behavior is to never give up.
Create a “Stick to It” award.Ask your child to help you find a stick at least the length of a ruler to acknowledge stick-to-itness. A family in Seattle uses an old broomstick; another mother said her family uses a yardstick. Print “Stick to It Award” across the stick or dowel with a black marking pen. Now tell everyone to be on alert for family embers showing special persistence for the next month. Each night have a family gathering to announce the names of family members who didn’t give up, and print their initials on the stick with a marking pen. Make sure to tell the recipients exactly what they did to deserve the award. Make it a contest to see how long it takes to fill the stick with family members’ initials. Children love to count how often their initials appear on the stick!

****************************************************************************************************************************

March 2, 2011 | Filed Under Community | 4 Comments

Aren’t They Too Young to Enter Puberty??

American Academy of Pediatrics: Over a decade ago, Marcia Herman-Giddes, a pediatrician and now professor at the University of North Carolina School of Public Health, noticed many young girls in grades one to five were showing public hair and breast development,” In her words, “It seemed like there were too many, too young,” and launched a major national study involving 225 clinicians and over 17,0000 girls to prove her hypothesis.

Her famous paper published in Pediatrics found that our kids are growing up faster.

The average age onset menstruation is hitting girls four years earlier

15 percent of seven years olds and almost half of eight years olds are now developing breasts or public hair

Comprehensive data is still not in for boys but studies show that they are reaching their adult heights at younger ages, suggesting they too are maturing earlier as well. There’s no doubt about it: our today’s kids are growing up faster in many ways. The key here is to beware of the trend and get educated so you can educate your child.

Start Those “Grown Up Talks” Earlier

But it isn’t just puberty that is hitting our kids earlier. Studies show that drinking, sexual promiscuity, engaging in oral sex, depression, eating disorders, stress, peer pressure, puberty, and even acne are all hitting our kids three to four years earlier than when we were growing up. So don’t deny your child’s fast-forward culture and wait to discuss those “grown up” subjects you planned for the teen years. If you’re not talking about these tougher issues believe me your child’s friends most likely are. Be the one who provides accurate facts that are laced with your moral beliefs and your values.

Also make sure your child’s doctor is someone your daughter or son feels comfortable speaking to as well. Puberty is striking kids at younger ages and your child does needs to feel comfortable speaking to someone—if not you–about menstruation or wet dreams.

What to Expect Age by Age

School Age: Puberty signs may begin in girls as seven or eight including public or underarm hair development, and acne.

Preteen: Feel physically and emotionally awkward with puberty.

Girls: onset of menstruation and breast development

Boys: puberty begins around age nine later than girls, with a sudden growth “spurt” or more “mature” body odor, enlargement of testes or penis as well as deepening voice, facial hair development.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Resources

Survey from AdAge; elementary-school set is one of fastest-growing markets for digital media players; 31 percent of U.S. kids 6 to 10 have some form of music player: Bryan Gardiner, “Technology for Kids,” nwa WorldTraveler, p. 74., 2008
Too many too young: Marcia E. Herman-Giddens, et al, “Secondary Sexual Characteristics and Menses in Young Girls Seen in Office Practice: A Study from the Pediatric Research in Office Settings Network,” Pediatrics, 99, no 4(April 1997): 505-12.

****************************************************************************************************************************

January 10, 2011 | Filed Under Community | 5 Comments

Currently browsing Big Book of Parenting Solutions posts

Raising “Onlies” – Parenting Tips for Only Children

How Kids can Learn to Resist Temptation…and Why They Need to

Stress Busters for Kids and Teens

Practical Tips to Teach Kids the “Never Give Up” Work Ethic

Aren’t They Too Young to Enter Puberty??

New On Pediatric Safety

Topics

Site Archives