When Private Goes Public: Social Networking and Suicide
“Jumping off the gw bridge sorry,” Tyler Clementi, age 18, posted on his Facebook status on September 22, 2010.
And then he did just that. A desperate act fueled by humiliation, Clementi committed suicide after his Rutgers University roommate secretly recorded a private sexual encounter between him and another male, only to then post it to YouTube.
In the Phoebe Prince case, the 15-year-old hanged herself on January 10, 2010, after enduring months of bullying from fellow students. Prince felt that killing herself was the only escape from teen tormentors who attacked her in the hallways and taunted her through texts and public online spaces, like Facebook.
We’re all familiar with tales of social networking sites (SNSs), along with other new media platforms, casting a dark shadow over events leading up to a victim’s suicide. Frequently the issues revolve around private encounters, moments and words that spread like wildfire once they’ve been introduced to the digital stage – often without the target’s consent.
With the 21st century ingenue Cyberbullying playing the lead role in each one of those dramas, we rarely hear examples of how social networking promotes a healthy mental state and even prevents suicide in some instances.
Although the media continually make the connection, there is no conclusive evidence that cyberbullying causes suicide.
First, we do youth a disservice by perpetually drawing a straight line between the two concepts of online harassment and self-murder. Continuing to make that association falsely communicates the message that there is no alternative escape from cyberbullying other than ending one’s life, which can result in children making that fatal decision.
Second, adults need to remember that youth connect emotionally and define relationships through their digital devices and Web platforms. They acutely feel both rejection and connection via digital media.
According to a recent International Center for Media and the Public Agenda (ICMPA) study, “students around the world reported that being tethered to digital technology 24-7 is not just a habit, it is essential to the way they construct and manage their friendships and social lives.”
Finally, it’s crucial that we understand both the positive and negative sides of social media, thereby putting cyberbullying into context and appreciating its place amidst all the benefits and opportunities that arise from digital connections.
To further the point, a growing body of research from the Australia-based Co-operative Research Centre for Young People, Technology and Wellbeing (YAW-CRC) supports the idea that SNSs have a much more positive effect on relationships and mental well-being than most of us may be aware.
According to the YAW-CRC’s The Benefit of Social Networking Services report:
“There is a demonstrated positive relationship between young people’s use of social networking services and self-esteem. … It is also argued that a sense of community and belonging has the potential to promote young people’s resilience, giving them the ability to successfully adapt to change and stressful events. … Overall, it appears that the social connections developed and fostered through SNS play an important role in promoting young people’s well-being.
Although cyberbullying represents the seamier side of social networking, it’s greatly outweighed by the support systems that youth develop online.
Too frequently it’s said that friendships in virtual communities do not carry the same lasting loyalty and profound connectivity that real-world relationships hold. Statements like those diminish the value that young ones place on their online relationships and in the end miss the importance of social networking in fostering a sense of self-worth and belonging on this Earth.
Things to Remember
Marginalized children and teens need to hear from trusted sources that their lives are not over if they experience digital persecution from peers. And parents, mentors and teachers should refer to resources (e.g., the Cyberbullying Research Center) to better understand social media’s place in self-esteem development.
If you are concerned for yourself or a child who is being harassed online, intervention programs make all of the difference. For more information, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s (SAMHSA) What a Difference a Friend Makes website.
Bully-Proof Your Child
Playground taunts and physical threats are nothing new, but until recently, children were usually safe inside their own home. Now, with email, texting and social networking, the harassment and intimidation can happen 24/7 – and anonymously. Here are answers to common questions about bullying and ways to protect your child.
What constitutes bullying?
There are three main types of bullying, according to Dr. Andrea Wiener, a child psychologist and the author of The Best Investment: Unlocking The Secrets of Social Success For Your Child. Physical bullying typically involves hitting, shoving and kicking, and is more common among boys. Social aggression includes alienation, ostracism, deliberate exclusion and spreading of untrue rumors, and is most common among girls. Cyber-bullying happens via social networking sites like Facebook, where kids post harassing comments or embarrassing photos with the intention of hurting someone else.
Why do kids bully?
Bullies come in all shapes and sizes, but the one thing they have in common is a need for power. “Often they are the popular kids that use power to control others,” says Weiner. “They seem to have a strong self-image, but it’s usually the opposite. They use fear because underneath it, they are scared and don’t think highly of themselves.” Bullying behavior can also carry into adulthood, in the form of dating aggression, spousal abuse or workplace harassment.
Who is most at risk?
Bullying victims are often the loners, according to Dr. Weiner – socially withdrawn, passive kids. “They let others be in control,” she says. “They may also have problems that would make them targets of abuse.” In fact, recent research points to children with obesity and food allergies as particular targets for bullying.
How do I know if my child is being bullied?
You’d like to think your child would tell you, but that’s often not the case, according to Weiner. Kids are afraid of being a tattletale or believe that it’s their fault and shy away from telling; so if you suspect your child to be the victim of bullying, don’t ask him directly. Instead, use indirect questions like, ‘How do you spend your recess time?’ or ‘What’s it like walking to school or being on the school bus?” Also, children often show their distress even if they don’t talk about it. “Signs of being bullied may include reluctance to go to school, sleep disturbances and vague physical complaints such as stomach pains or headaches,” says Weiner. “Look for unexplained belongings that are missing or clothes that are ripped.”
What should I do if I suspect bullying?
Go straight to school and report your suspicions. Most schools have adopted a no-bullying policy and take it seriously. Find out if your child’s teachers have observed anything and ask them to watch your child’s interactions with other students, suggests Weiner. Share with them what you’ve noticed at home and anything your child may have said. Then follow up and make sure that either the teachers or school administrators are taking steps to address the problem. With childhood bullying, the only people with the power to stop it are the adults.
Preparing Our Kids for Global Digital Citizenship Success
We’ve all heard how our world is getting smaller – how our digital connectivity is conquering distance and outpacing time. But how does this closeness shape the way we interact with each other? More importantly, how does it affect our youth?
This is the reality: The way young people socialize online deeply affects the relationships they have with themselves and the people around them. We have to acknowledge that our kids meet and connect emotionally through their digital devices. They cultivate relationships through a number of virtual world connections – by joining social networks and receiving status updates; building lists of friends and groups; and receiving IMs, texts and video messages.
After hearing countless news stories about identity theft, sexting and cyberbullying, we’ve made the frightening discovery that sometimes wires and signals can separate actions from consequences. And we’ve seen our children’s misguided belief in anonymity slink in easy as pie and place their security, reputations and lives at risk.
But things are changing. Media literacy and global digital citizenship are quickly becoming the key issues in education and law enforcement. Dialogue surrounding the consumption and production of information across connected technologies is growing at a heartwarming rate.
And leaders are working alongside students, using their experience with the Internet, cell phones, MP3 players and gaming devices to create a framework around kids and teens worldwide successfully learning how to be good to each other while engaging in new media activities.
Twenty years ago, good citizenship took place in the microcosm of the classroom and was simply rewarded with a certificate. Today, with its millennial twist, global digital citizenship reaches far beyond the playground fence. Its stewards are enriched with a much deeper understanding of how their actions affect their own lives as well as those of their peers, at home and around the world.
That’s why students must take an active role in identifying and establishing ethical digital use. They need to be involved in the critical thinking and policy creation that affects ultimate change. It’s called buy-in, and these days our savvy students require it if they’ll be expected to have a healthy relationship with technology.
Defining successful global digital citizenship matters to all of us because it profoundly touches our youngest technocrats. Although they are swift enough to sync their social media profiles on their cells, they may not be equipped to handle the overwhelming cyber situations that erupt from uniformed decisions.
We all want to keep our kids safe, but that won’t happen if we create barriers and block device usage. It is only when we empower them to explore their connected world that they will be keyed into the pitfalls and advantages of social navigation across all platforms.
One Million Safer Kids…begins with ONE
What if any of us saw a child about to be harmed? We’d want to do something to help that child! None of us has the power to make others stop doing dangerous things, but we each have the power to take action today that will make kids safer.
Kidpower, a global leader in personal safety education, including bullying prevention, child abuse prevention, and stranger awareness, is inviting all caring adults to join our “One Million Safer Kids” campaign. Our goal is simple: to make one million young people safer in five years or less as a result of greater awareness, knowledge, and skills.
After providing twenty-two years of safety education through Kidpower to over two million people around the world, we’ve seen again and again how a few simple actions can protect young people from most attempts of bullying, violence, and abuse. No matter how long I do this work, my heart still breaks each time I hear of a child who has experienced misery and trauma that was preventable!
The One Million Safer Kids Campaign is happening in classrooms, parks, playgrounds, and living rooms around the world. Our Kidpower staff, board members, and volunteers are coming together with parents, educators, and community leaders to take simple steps to create access to age-appropriate personal safety skills and information that can help prevent children and teens from being abducted, abused, threatened, attacked, or bullied.
A world with One Million Safer Kids is a better world for all of us. It is a world with more joyful playgrounds, classrooms, and neighborhoods. It is a world with more relationships strengthened by strong boundary setting skills. It’s a world with less trauma and injury. It is a world where children feel safer because they are empowered. The potential ripple effect of One Million Safer Kids is both staggering and achievable.
By teaching one child one skill, sharing one article with one parent, arranging one workshop for one scout troop, or giving one donation to bring skills to a child in need, one adult makes a lifetime of difference to the young people made safer as a result.
What Can YOU Do to Help Create a World with One Million Safer Kids?
- Teach a child a safety skill. It only takes a few minutes and knowing what to do could spare a child misery or even save a child’s life!
- Share information with someone who can use it to keep a child safer. The Kidpower Safety Tips can be posted on school and youth group websites The Kidpower Virtual Library has 100+ free articles. Share them with a parent, a teacher, an educator, a coach, etc. These are easy to access from: http://www.kidpower.org/millionsafer/resources
- Learn more, then show others what you learned. Subscribe to the Kidpower e-newsletter, read an article or one of Kidpower’s books, or take a personal safety workshop for yourself. Through all our efforts, we will educate One Million Safer Kids.
- Like our “One Million Safer Kids” with Kidpower page on Facebook.
To join the One Million Safer Kids campaign, visit http://www.kidpower.org/millionsafer/and sign up in the “Count me in” box. When you sign on to Kidpower’s One Million Safer Kids campaign, you will receive a Tools to Live By mini-poster featuring Kidpower core principles, available for immediate download. And, you will receive ideas about ways to teach safety skills, success stories, and new resources.
Does Your Family Need New Web Rules?
As I travel the country working with middleschoolers and high school students to build their self-respect and spread respect for all, I also speak with hundreds of parents. And it’s no surprise that their top concerns are issues like cyberbullying, sexting and online safety.
Keeping kids safe used to be about curfews and “Don’t talk to strangers.” But now, savvy parents are quickly realizing that the Web – and all the devices kids use to get online – needs to be a part of the family rules too.
Here’s my advice to come up with your own set of Web family rules that will keep your kids better protected – and give you some peace of mind:
1. Ask your kids what they think.
Nobody likes rules just handed down to them – and this makes getting compliance with the rules even tougher. Ask your kids: What are your friends or other kids doing online that you think is unsafe? When you’re online, are you ever worried about your safety? See what they say.
Then share your concerns, like: “I know that when you’re on social networks, anyone can talk to you, and I worry about people with bad intentions reaching out to you or trying to meet you offline.” Or “I don’t like cyberbullying either – what can we do about it?”
Also mention any concerns you have about other online privacy issues – like how hackers can steal identities or predators can lift personal information to try and harm your kids offline.
The bottom line: Get their ideas first for your family Web rules. They’ll have great ideas, and they’ll be more likely to buy into the rules if they help create them. Commit to yourself to listen to their ideas – without interrupting or criticizing. At The Respect Institute, the No. 1 way kids tell us they feel respect is: “When people listen to me.” If you listen to them in noticeable ways every day, when your kids face a safety issue online, they will be more likely to open up to you for support.
2. Set the rules.
With a quick Web search, you’ll be able to find many resources to help you round out your rules. Check out NetSmartz.org or IKeepSafe.org for tutorials and tips. Once your family rules are set, talk them through with your kids. Ask your kids to comment on each one, pose questions and suggest changes. When your family rules are final, post them where everyone can see them.
3. Decide on consequences.
Again, have your kids do the work! Ask them what they think should happen if a rule is broken. Add your two cents. (As a parent, you always reserve your right to set the final boundary to keep your kids safe.) Then, write and post the consequences next to the rules.
Most important, create a space where your kids can ask you for help. We are all afraid of getting in trouble if we break the rules, right? But the goal here is to keep your kids safe. And that ultimately comes down to them seeing you as someone they can trust. So even though you’re all setting the rules together, let them know they are guidelines to keep them safe, and that if they ever break a rule or face a situation they don’t know how to handle, they can come to you. Let them know you will listen and you will hold off “freaking out” to support them. In the end, this kind of connection with your kids will go a long way to protect them.
