13 Ways to Help Our Kids Prepare for and Deal with Peer Pressure
The school bell has rung and the new school year is in full force. No matter where we live, or where our children go to school, all kids have something in common; they will be faced with peer pressure. As parents, there is much we can do to help our children prepare for, and deal with the pressure that will come from their peers.
1. Believe in our kids, they will believe in us.
Our kids need to know WE believe in them. We know they can make right choices and we know they are strong. Tell them. Point out their good choices and the consequences of right choices. Point out their strengths.
We as parents also need to make right choices. Are we being the best parents we can be? Our children should expect that we would protect them, and do what is best for them. Even if they grumble, or disagree, it is our job to stand our ground and do what is best, not be their BFF.
2. Communicate with our Children: The 3 B’s: (Be Available, Be Present, Be Patient)
As parents, we need to keep the lines of communication open with our children. Especially as they start into their teenage years. How can we do this? Start young, very young, and be available, present and patient.
First, we have to be available. It we are not available, how can our children/teenagers talk to us. We don’t have to announce that we are ready to talk, we have to naturally be there. Be there after school, turn the music off when driving in the car, eat a meal together, be awake when kids come home. Find something that your child likes to do and do it with them. It is the perfect time to not only allow our children to tell us what they are dealing with, but, it is a time for us to talk to them about the pressures that they might be feeling at school and with their friends. We have been there, we know what is going on. Sometimes our kids need us to bring things up because they don’t know how.
Once we have made time and are available, we need to be present. We need to stop thinking about all the other things we need to do, and really be in the conversations. Give our children our undivided attention.
Last, be patient and realize that communication happens over time. It is built on trust and experience. Always be available and present, and our children will start to open up.
3. Express Love
Knowing we are loved gives us confidence and strength. Even if a child does something wrong, NEVER withhold love as a consequence. Our children should know that our love is unconditional.
4. Be Confident Parents: We matter more than peers.
Naturally, children do not want to disappoint their parents, this can single handedly keep children from falling to peer pressure.
5. Role Play
This is a powerful way for us to prepare our children to fight against peer pressure. Be the forceful friend and “act out” different real life situation.
Ask hard questions….
- “What if someone offers you drugs”?
- “What if your friend asks you to steal something”?
Work through what your child could say. It will make it so much easier when it really happens. It is like a memory reflex and the answers will come to your child much easier. They won’t be caught off guard when it happens.
6. Talk about peer pressure.
Tell our children about peer pressure, explain what it feels like, why it happens, and when you have had it happen to you. Give them examples of times when you were faced with peer pressure and how you overcame it. Or, if appropriate, when you fell to peer pressure and the consequences for your decisions. There is strength in our children knowing we understand because we have been there. As parents when you see peer pressure happening, point it out. Our children can have a hard time seeing it.
7. Set rules…AND…Follow through
Set rules, for the every day, and if they fall to peer pressure (ex, drink the beer). Make the consequences VERY CLEAR, and…enforce the consequences. We can talk all we want, but if we don’t follow through, our children will know they can get away with breaking the rules. Make it clear to your children that just because “everyone was doing it”, doesn’t mean that it is okay.
8. Don’t let kids stay the night
Sleeping away from home makes it a lot easier for our children to fall to peer pressure. Why, because they don’t have to come home to their parents. There can be too much freedom away from home for an extended period of time.
9. Wait up for your child
Be awake when your kids come home. Teens will think twice about falling to peer pressure when they have to come home and face you. It is also a really good time for you to be present and talk with your kids about their night.
10 Encourage Opinions
It is okay for our children to have an opinion. In fact we want them to have opinions about what is right and wrong, and how they feel about sex, drugs and alcohol. Help them develop their opinions. Have conversations where you help your children think through the how’s and why’s. Teach them to be critical thinkers. It will give them confidence, and children with opinions are more likely to speak their minds, which is exactly what they need to do to stand up to peer pressure.
11. Teach Conflict Resolution
We deal with conflict our entire lives; at home, at work, at school. Standing up to peer pressure can bring conflict. Teaching our children conflict management skills will not only prepare them for peer pressure, but, prepare them for life. Home is a great place to practice dealing with conflict. As a parent, when there is a problem, we want to jump in and fix it. Don’t. Let children do all they can to work out a resolution on their own. You will be surprised to find that kids can, and will solve their own arguments and conflicts.
12. Teach our kids how to choose good friends.
Our children need to be taught social skills, and how to choose good friends, and be a good friend. Encourage them to choose friends with similar core values and beliefs. Teach them what friendship means, and how good friends treat each other. (A good friend doesn’t pressure you to do anything).
13. There will be mistakes, don’t make them public
When our children do fall to peer pressure, don’t make it public. Spreading the word about your child’s poor choices will not help them make better choices. It will just weaken your relationship. It will hurt the trust that you have tried to build and weaken your children’s resolve. Instead, teach them how to take responsibility for their choices. Help them reflect on what has happened and why.
We owe it to our children to prepare them for the peer pressure they will face. It will not only help them, but help our family relationships as well.
Have your children felt the pressure of their peers?
How do you handle good and bad choices your children make?
Do you ever have a hard time enforcing consequences?
5 Things Not to Say to Your Tween Daughter
The tween years are all about developing a positive self-image, good decision-making, healthy self-discipline and better mood regulation. What you say to your tween and how you use your nonverbal language to communicate with her may have a lasting impact on her view of herself. As conflicts arise you might find yourself blurting things out that you wish you could take back. Reflect on some common parent-daughter foibles to help yourself stay on the path to positive communication with your tween.
If you catch yourself being judgmental or shaming breathe through it, after reading these five things not to say to your tween, you’ll make better choices next time.
“Your dad noticed.” Tweens can be nervous about what other people see and notice about them, especially their dads. The father-daughter relationship is an important one. Your tween’s first line of dealing with boys who become men is in the relationship between father and daughter. If a tween’s dad is going to notice things about a tween, it’s time for him to speak directly to her. The tween years can feel uncomfortable to a dad, at times. Help your husband to talk openly with your tween about her relationships, her body and her friendships. The more comfortable dad is the more comfortable your tween will be.
“I don’t like that friend.” The tween years are a time when children move from practicing in their relationships to making choices about whom to befriend and who to avoid. If you feel your tween could be making better choices in her friendships help her to identify what makes a good friend. Talk with her about what kinds of friendships make her feel happy, safe and “lifted up.” Open-ended questions that allow self-reflection and not self-judgment such as “How do you like your friends to talk with you?” and “When you share something private with a friend, what are you hoping she does with that information?” will help your tween to develop the skills to observe and reflect on her relationships and improve her decision-making skills.
“You’re too young to like a boy.” With the changes occurring in a tween’s body and brain, developing attraction to boys is a natural process. Often in fourth and fifth grade tweens begin to notice boys. Having crushes can be expected, although not required. Instead of telling your tween how she is allowed to feel guide her to develop attractions that are based on honesty, caring and compatibility. Part of the growing communications with her girlfriends will be drawing comparisons about whom they like. Encourage the freedom to feel differently than her friends without making the object of their affection out to be a “bad guy”. Discussing what they like in boys and what they do not like is the beginning of sorting out whom they will date in high school and college. The tween years are when you lay the groundwork for healthy choices and good decision making about courting behavior. Open communication is the first line to healthy decision-making and problem solving.
“I never want to hear you say that again!” As your tween begins to define herself as a person independent of how you think and feel, she’s going to say things you wish had not come out of her mouth. Instead of being directive and setting up a control struggle wonder aloud about what she meant and help her to understand that what she says in the world reflects on whom she is inside. Gentle direction will win almost every time over bossy intimidation.
“You’d be beautiful if…” You were a tween once. How did it feel when others told you to lose weight, hide your big ears or wear different clothing? Research shows that the developing self-image of a tween persists through adulthood. So help your tween love herself as she is. If she needs to get more exercise, to eat better or choose less revealing clothes, show her the path to success with loving guidance not shameful embarrassment.
Hey mom, you might be new to this whole ‘tween-thing’, your tween is as well, so open-up, talk it out and seek advice from friends you trust. You’ll get the hang of it, just as your tween will.
TWO Sensory Friendly Movie Screenings in August: 8/6 & 8/27
For those of you not familiar with ”Sensory Friendly Movie Screenings“, AMC Entertainment (AMC) and the Autism Society have teamed up to bring families affected by autism and other disabilities a special opportunity to enjoy their favorite “family-friendly” films in a safe and accepting environment.
The movie auditoriums will have their lights turned up and the sound turned down. Families will be able to bring in snacks to match their child’s dietary needs (i.e. gluten-free, casein-free, etc.), there are no advertisements or previews before the movie and it’s totally acceptable to get up and dance, walk, shout, talk to each other…and even sing – in other words, AMC’s “Silence is Golden®” policy will not be enforced during movie screenings unless the safety of the audience is questioned.
To quote our Special Needs Parenting Expert Rosie Reeves: “It can be challenging enough to bring a child to a movie theater – they are dark, the sound is very loud, there are tempting stairs and rails and they are expected to sit still and stay quiet. When a child has special needs all these elements and many others can prove too daunting to even attempt such an outing. And yet getting out, being with the community and sharing in an experience with an audience can be invaluable for just such children – and their caregivers, too”.
On August 6th at 10am local time, “The Smurfs” will be screened as part of the “Sensory Friendly Movie Screenings” program. On August 27th, ”Spy Kids – All the Time in the World – In 4D” will be screened. Tickets are $4 to $6 depending on the location. To find a theatre near you, here is a list of AMC theatres nationwide participating in this fabulous program.
Coming October 1st: Dolphin Tale
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Editor’s note: Both The Smurfs and Spy Kids 4 are rated PG by the Motion Picture Association of America. Please check the IMDB Parent’s Guide for a more detailed description of The Smurfs or Spy Kids 4 to determine if either is right for you and your child.
July 2nd & 23rd 2011: Two Sensory Friendly Movie Screenings
For those of you not familiar with”Sensory Friendly Movie Screenings“, AMC Entertainment (AMC) and the Autism Society have teamed up to bring families affected by autism and other disabilities a special opportunity to enjoy their favorite “family-friendly” films in a safe and accepting environment.
The movie auditoriums will have their lights turned up and the sound turned down. Families will be able to bring in snacks to match their child’s dietary needs (i.e. gluten-free, casein-free, etc.), and it’s totally acceptable to get up and dance, walk, shout, talk to each other…and even sing.
To quote our Special-Needs Parenting Expert Rosie Reeves: “It can be challenging enough to bring a child to a movie theater – they are dark, the sound is very loud, there are tempting stairs and rails and they are expected to sit still and stay quiet. When a child has special needs all these elements and many others can prove too daunting to even attempt such an outing. And yet getting out, being with the community and sharing in an experience with an audience can be invaluable for just such children – and their caregivers, too”.
On July 2nd at 10am local time, “Cars 2” will be screened as part of the “sensory friendly screening program”. On July 23rd, Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows – Part 2 will be screened. To find a theatre near you, here is a list of AMC theatres nationwide participating in this fantastic program.
Coming August 6th: The Smurfs
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Editor’s note: Cars 2 is rated G by the Motion Picture Association of America. Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows – Part 2 is rated PG-13 for Some intense sequences of intense action violence and frightening images. Please check the IMDB Parent’s Guide for a more detailed description to determine if this movie is right for you and your child.
What’s the Message You’re Sending Your Child Today?
Last weekend- Memorial Day weekend- was the kick off of this year’s ‘Ticket or Click It” campaign.
A few days ago I was walking down the end of my driveway- walking my dogs. We were behind a large bush in our neighbor’s yard. My son pulled into our driveway. For some reason my eyes went to his shoulder to see if his seatbelt was on.
My son is soon to be 25. What had I done to instill in him the value of seatbelts? Well, ever since he can remember, I have worn mine. He (and his sister) was always in an age or size appropriate child car seat. Everyone who rode with me wore seatbelts. When he started driving I always told him if ever I saw him or anyone in any car of mine without a seatbelt- he would lose his driving PRIVILEGE and he would have to pay his own insurance.
My kids have never seen me drive drunk or even under the influence. Never saw me use drugs.
They never saw me indulge in food as a crutch or release.
They did see me struggle to kick cigarettes- heard me curse them, curse their addictiveness. Did see me finally win the battle.
They have always seen me work hard and put in long hours.
So what does all this mean?
My kids work hard and have a great work ethic. I have never seen them drink- never seen their friends drink. Neither of my kids smoke nor do their friends. And yes when he pulled into our driveway, my son was wearing his seatbelt.
One company I used to work for had a CEO. He had a one page list of things that were the guiding principles he used to run our multi-billion dollar company. At the top of his list, of every important thing that could have topped the list, was one word, repeated three times: “Communicate, communicate, communicate.”
In his mind and estimation nothing counted as much or led to success as much as communication, open and honest. He went on to say that he held this same belief in his personal life as well. That communication was at the top of his list in his marriage and in the way that he and his wife raised their children.
While communication is very much about the words we speak, it is about how we speak them and it is also about what we do- the examples we are each and every day. Had I only asked my kids to wear their seatbelts and did not lead by example- I truly doubt my kids would wear theirs today. Had I ever been seen driving while drunk- could I later chastise them for doing the same? Communication is also what their peers say or teachers or other adults. It’s what we see on TV and in movies. Sometimes our communication is in competition with others- especially as our kids enter the teenage years.
Don’t get me wrong- I/we made plenty of mistakes raising our children. Everything we did was seen and evaluated. Everything we said was heard and tested. Everything we did- how we lived- shaped who our kids would become- who they did become.
To the best of your ability- live the life you want for your kids. Wear your seatbelt, exercise, don’t drink and drive or text and drive. Don’t pour lighter fluid on a lit fire and practice acceptance and not prejudice. And remember that communication is everything- influences everything- is not just talking- it’s also watching and listening. It’s good business and good for any relationship- great for our kids.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
