Help Your Kids Welcome The Newest Family Member

The arrival of a new baby brother or sister is exciting for your family. But it can also be anxiety provoking. No worries, that’s part of the process of change that comes with new life experiences.

Things are about to change in your home and on some level, everyone knows it. Attention will need to be divided. More tasks demands are imminent and you’re about to be sleep deprived, at least for a little while.

What can you do to make the transition peaceful and calm?

1. Spend time with your other children before the delivery. When the baby arrives you’ll be busy feeding and diapering round the clock, so take the time now to be present and mindful with your children. Fill them up with your love.
2. Talk with your children about what to expect. Tell them how big the baby will be, what he’ll do most of the time and how they can touch him while being safe and careful.
3. Talk with your children about how they can help out. Your children will want to be with you and the baby, so make a list of tasks, hang it on the fridge and get ready to include your kids not shut them out.
4. Most importantly, get your support team ready. Research shows that sleep deprivation and lack of maternal support can lead to post-partum depression. So ask for home-cooked meals to fill your freezer before baby arrives. Make sure that the car-pool schedule is clear, ask a family member to come over and help with your older kids daily and say YES! to help before and after the birth.

With some organization and planning, bringing baby home can be such a joy. Don’t wait ‘til the last minute, start planning now. Happy Baby to You!

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This post reflects Dr Kenney’s “The Family Coach Method” used in practice for a number of years, and released for publication just this past September. The Family Coach Method is ‘rug-level,’ friendly and centered on the concept of families as a winning team – with dozens of age-appropriate sample conversations and problem solving scenarios to guide a family to the desired place of mutual respect, shared values and strengths. The goal is to help children to develop the life skills, judgment and independence that can help them navigate the challenges of an increasingly complex world. The Family Coach Method is also being taught as an Educational Series where parents can join with other moms and dads in live calls with Dr Kenney.

Your Child’s Behavior: Willful Non-Compliance or Skills Deficit?

This might sound familiar, “I said, go to your room!” If that’s what happens in your home consider this. Many parents focus on punishment, calling it discipline. But discipline is something you teach your children not something you do to them. You may agree, but now you wonder, “Well how do I do it differently?”

It is best to consider discrete behaviors you hope your child will exhibit and what is in the way of your child’s achieving this behavior. OK, that seems like a tall order, but it’s simple once you learn to work your observation muscles a bit. When your efforts at parenting do not appear to be working, take a step back and look closely at what is going on. Observation leads to a better understanding of what poses difficulties for your child. Then you can put in place some strategies to better equip your child for success.

A really important concept I teach parents is the difference between behavior that stems from a child’s skill deficit and behavior that is from willful non-compliance. A later chapter will be devoted entirely to these two topics, but right now, we’ll be focusing on identifying skill deficits.

First, let’s give The Family Coach Method definition for these two terms:

The Family Coach Method Definition: Skill deficit

(n.) With a skill deficit you are dealing with a child’s inability to exhibit the expected behavior in this time-frame and under these circumstances.

The Family Coach Method Definition: Willful Non-compliance

(n.) When a child who possesses a necessary skill set, obstinately and deliberately chooses not to exhibit behaviors required within a specific social, work, cultural, academic or family setting.

Next, let’s see what that means in the real world where you and your child live:

Let’s learn about identifying skill deficits as opposed to willful non-compliance.

How to Identify a Skill Deficit  (the short version). 

Ask yourself these two questions:

1. What is the expected behavior?   …and
2. Can he/she do it?

(If yes, expect it. If no, teach it.)

Many times we ask our children to exhibit behaviors for which they have not yet developed the skills. The process of examining your child’s ability to “do it” helps you to make sure you are fostering reasonable expectations of your child.

For Your Toolbox: “Can He/She Do It?”

This is an effective evaluation tool I use in my office and you can do at home. It works like this: Write down a specific behavior your child has had difficulty with in the past 48 hours. We’ll call this “the expected behavior.” Then, before enlisting your normal compliance strategies, ask yourself if your child possesses the skills necessary to complete the desired behavior. If the answer is yes, then expect it. If the answer is no, then teach it. It’s that easy.

Now, let’s look at one specific behavioral challenge.  Behavior 1: Sharing Toys

Step #1: What is the expected behavior?

• “I expect my 5-year-old daughter to share her toys with her brother.”

Step #2: Can she do it?

Here are the kinds of things to look at as you consider the answer:

• Did I discretely define one behavior I am seeking my child to exhibit?
• Does my child have the requisite skills to exhibit this behavior?
• Are there any roadblocks that inhibit my child’s ability to exhibit the behavior? For example, did my child sleep well and eat well?
• Have I defined which toys are for sharing and which are personal and will not be played with by others?
• Have I told my child she may place special toys in a basket in her closet and those will be just her own, no sharing?
• If my child will share another toy, but not the requested toy, did I offer that alternative solution for the children?

Step #3: If yes, expect it.

If you determine that your child has the skills for the expected behavior, then expect it! You can ensure the behavior by clarifying expectations and establishing a time frame for sharing. It might look like this:

Parent: “Shiloh, James has asked to play your Nintendo. That is a toy we agreed we would share right now. You now have ten seconds to hand the toy to your brother.”

Step #4: If no, teach it.

If you determine that your child does not yet have the skills for the expected behavior, then teach it. Help the child to choose an alternate toy. Your child now has an opportunity to model sharing and practice sharing.

Parent: “Shiloh, James has asked to play your Nintendo. When will you be willing to let him play? In five minutes or in ten minutes?”

When we parent children 0-3 years of age, most of what we do is teach, guide, mentor and reinforce. We do not need to punish a child for not sharing, we need to teach the child how to share.

Take a peek at a behavioral challenge you have had with your child. Ask yourself, “Did my child have the skills to do as expected?” Most of the time, your child needs the cognitive skills, words and actions to make a different choice. When you understand the difference between skill deficits and willful non-compliance, the focus of your parenting shifts to teaching and away from frustration and anger. Give it a try, you can do it! Your child will thank you.

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This post reflects Dr Kenney’s “The Family Coach Method” used in practice for a number of years, and released for publication just this past September. The Family Coach Method is ‘rug-level,’ friendly and centered on the concept of families as a winning team – with dozens of age-appropriate sample conversations and problem solving scenarios to guide a family to the desired place of mutual respect, shared values and strengths. The goal is to help children to develop the life skills, judgment and independence that can help them navigate the challenges of an increasingly complex world. The Family Coach Method is also being taught as an Educational Series where parents can join with other moms and dads in live calls with Dr Kenney.

My Roller Coaster Kid: Calm Things Down and Enjoy the Ride

Up and down, over and under, so the roller coaster goes. Are you worn out just thinking about it?

Life with an intense child is like a ride on a roller coaster, some moments are thrilling, others calm, still others fear-inducing. Intense kids feel so powerfully, they see more, hear more acutely and feel more deeply. Of course, they have to share all of it with you, ’cause life can be just so overwhelming. It’s almost like in their meltdowns and fits they say, “Here Mom, hold this.” Meaning, hold my pain, suffering and overload for a moment while I try to gather myself together.

What seems like a behavioral issue to many, the school, your parents, (you know what I’m sayin’) is more likely a problem of brain mediation than willful non-compliance.

You see, children want to be calm and happy. Evolution encourages children to strive – to live well, be loved and thrive. When children are willful, obstinate, unhappy or anxious, this is not their healthiest state. Their behavior and mood signal an imbalance in their body and brain.

So what can you do about it?

1. Know that the limbic brain is older and in the case of intense kids, momentarily more powerful than the frontal lobes. So plan for those amygdala melt-downs and prepare calming strategies with your child ahead of time. Talk about the times they feel like they are going to lose it and ask them if you can help by offering some pre-planned calming solutions like taking a walk, a bath or a bike ride. Consider calming music from advancedbrain.com (sound health) or calmmeforhealing.com.
2. Know that food and nutrition matter. Remember, it is not what you eat but what your body assimilates that is important. Consider whole food pharmaceutical grade vitamins, a transition to whole food and protein at each meal to help your child’s brain have better access to healthy nutrients.
3. If you need more help see a developmental pediatrician, pediatric psychologist or neuropsychologist who specializes in cognitive and limbic calming strategies. Meditation, yoga and brain exercises can help increase neuronal connections thus harnessing the power of the Thinker to manage the Caveman.

Intense kids are creative, intelligent and lovable, you just have to plan for the squall…after all living on the coast is beautiful, it just storms sometimes

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This post reflects Dr Kenney’s “The Family Coach Method” used in practice for a number of years, and released for publication just this past September. The Family Coach Method is ‘rug-level,’ friendly and centered on the concept of families as a winning team – with dozens of age-appropriate sample conversations and problem solving scenarios to guide a family to the desired place of mutual respect, shared values and strengths. The goal is to help children to develop the life skills, judgment and independence that can help them navigate the challenges of an increasingly complex world. The Family Coach Method is also being taught as an Educational Series where parents can join with other moms and dads in live calls with Dr Kenney.

They Want Independence…You Want Them Safe: Middle Ground?

Before setting a limit, offer empathy and recognition of their needs or wants. Saying, “I understand that you want to join Tommy in going to the park after dark and that you feel there is nothing to worry about.” Validating their feelings also models respect and the importance of valuing each other’s perspective. Rather than immediately devaluing their requests as immature or possibly dangerous, recognizing their desires as something that within their world makes sense, lays the groundwork for your child to become an empathic adult.

Problem solving or compromising together shows your child a way to reach a resolution in a mature and calm manner. For instance, “Since I feel it is unsafe to go to the park after dark, is there another time in which the two of you could go?” Offering choices is a great way to foster autonomy within limits, such as, “It’s cold out and you gotta wear a coat. Which would you like, your black one or your green windbreaker?” Being consistent, of course, is always key and staying firm when concerns over their safety is warranted. It is our responsibility to take care of our children. However, it is also our duty to ensure they are learning the way to be safe and healthy.

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This post reflects Dr Kenney’s “The Family Coach Method” used in practice for a number of years, and released for publication just this past September. The Family Coach Method is ‘rug-level,’ friendly and centered on the concept of families as a winning team – with dozens of age-appropriate sample conversations and problem solving scenarios to guide a family to the desired place of mutual respect, shared values and strengths. The goal is to help children to develop the life skills, judgment and independence that can help them navigate the challenges of an increasingly complex world. The Family Coach Method is also being taught as an Educational Series where parents can join with other moms and dads in live calls with Dr Kenney.

7 Steps to Modeling Respect for Your Children

Most parents expect their children to respect them. What are you doing to model respect? Here are seven simple steps to living with respect in your relationships.

• Be a good listener – Give your child your undivided attention when they are speaking to you.
• Be fair – Consider your child’s viewpoint and experience before stating your opinion.
• Be honest – Tell the truth. Be accountable when you make a mistake.
• Be polite – Use the manners that you expect of your children.
• Be positive – Focus on the positive side of life. Your child deserves a role model that “lifts them up.” Compliment your children, observe what they do well and celebrate it.
• Be reliable – Keep your promises. Show your child that you mean what you say. Do as you say and say as you do. Children see the truth through a clearer lens than do adults.
• Be trustworthy – Keep your children’s heart-felt feelings and experiences private, show them that you can be a trusted adult who cares about their feelings and their self-esteem.

Showing your children that you respect them through your words and actions encourages your children to respect themselves, you and others.

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*This post reflects Dr Kenney’s “The Family Coach Method” used in practice for a number of years, and released for publication just this past September. The Family Coach Method is ‘rug-level,’ friendly and centered on the concept of families as a winning team – with dozens of age-appropriate sample conversations and problem solving scenarios to guide a family to the desired place of mutual respect, shared values and strengths. The goal is to help children to develop the life skills, judgment and independence that can help them navigate the challenges of an increasingly complex world. The Family Coach Method is also being taught as an Educational Series where parents can join with other moms and dads in live calls with Dr Kenney.

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