No Forced Kisses for Your Kids: A Holiday Safety Tip for Families

As parents well know, the holiday season is both incredibly exciting and potentially overwhelming for kids, sometimes all rolled together into one. At gatherings with families and friends, expectations about affection, attention, and teasing can create unnecessary stress and discomfort. By accepting our children’s different personalities and thinking through our boundaries ahead of time, we can teach our kids important life skills and make holiday parties and reunions more fun.

Most of us can remember being pressured to just “suffer through it” from our own childhoods. Who doesn’t recall being forced to kiss “Great Aunt Edna” as a kid, or getting scratched by Uncle Bob’s beard as he leaned in for a squeeze? Or, being told to just ignore the teasing and roughhousing of our cousins?

As a mother, I can relate to the embarrassment that a parent might feel when a child doesn’t want to give a big hug to Grandma when she walks in the door—especially if Grandma has been eagerly anticipating the visit for weeks and months. But through my work teaching personal safety as a Kidpower instructor, I have learned that supporting our children when they set boundaries is a very important practice.

Backing up a child who doesn’t want to be kissed or hugged does not mean that Grandma, or Great Aunt Edna, or Uncle Bob or Cousin Sara are doing anything wrong, but it does demonstrate that touch and play for affection or fun is your child’s choice in all situations. The holidays are a perfect time to work on “boundary setting” with our kids, so they feel confident and empowered as they move through different ages and stages of life.

When possible, try to bring relatives into this conversation ahead of time, letting them know that you are practicing with the kids to help them learn to set boundaries—and who better to practice with than people who know and care about the kids. That way, when a child sets a boundary with Grandma, she can feel that she’s part of a positive practice rather than left out. Some parents report that this is a difficult conversation to have, but I maintain that is an important one, and an opportunity for meaningful dialogue and exploration. Many parents feel that their culture has expectations the children show adults respect through affection.

At Kidpower, we have found that this is truly a cross-cultural phenomena across a wide variety of backgrounds, and an issue that is worth addressing: how can we come up with ways for children to show respect to their elders in ways that feel nurturing and respectful to the child as well? One point I like to emphasize about child safety is to ask “How can we expect our children to set clear boundaries about touch when they are on their own, if we do not support them in doing so when we are together with our families, standing right there in a position to advocate for our kids and back them up?”In practice, this may be as simple (yet powerful) as saying, “Do you want to give Grandma a hug, a high-five, a kiss, or a wave? ….Not right now? Okay… Maybe you’ll want to blow a kiss or do a high-five later.”

Some kids are social butterflies and will thrive on the opportunities to be the center of attention. Be prepared to help them to notice the boundaries of others and to remember to follow your safety rules about Checking First before changing the plan, even in a family gathering. Other children are more reserved and are best off being allowed to warm up at their own pace. They might need your involved advocacy to redirect unwanted attention away from them and your help in setting boundaries when well-meaning adults try to pressure them.

Even if a relative is offended when a child does not want to kiss or hug them, this is an important time to keep in mind the bottom line—kids need to learn from an early age that touch or play for affection or fun should be the choice of BOTH people, safe, allowed by the adults in charge, and not a secret. This core safety rule should be respected in all situations.

Touch or play for affection or fun should be the choice of BOTH people, safe, allowed by the adults in charge, and not a secret.

It’s confusing for kids to try to set aside their feelings of discomfort for certain kinds of affection or teasing in the name of good manners, since it gives young people a contradictory message about their boundaries. Keep in mind Kidpower’s founding principle: A child’s safety and healthy self-esteem are more important than ANYONE’s embarrassment, inconvenience, or offense. Or, more simply stated: Put Safety First.

Here are additional Kidpower resources about how to use boundaries to make our holiday gatherings truly joyful:

• Holiday Boundaries: Protecting Children’s Boundaries and Helping Others Do the Same
• Why Affection and Teasing Should be a Child’s Choice
• Holiday Power – Take Charge of Emotional Safety During the Holidays

Holiday Shopping Safety Tips

Black Friday has come and gone this year but it is only the beginning of the busiest shopping season of the year. Everywhere you go, stores are packed, parking lots are full, and people are scurrying about trying to get the very best deals on all the latest, hottest gift items. If you are an avid shopper, this might be your favorite time to shop and score big bargains on the items on your gift list, but this time of year can also put shoppers at risk for theft, accidents, and other safety threats.

Here are a few safety tips to keep in mind while you are out doing your holiday shopping this year:

Shop with a friend

There is safety in numbers and not only will it make you less of a target, you’ll probably have more fun than shopping alone.

Take only the bare necessities

Before you head out to the mall or stores, clean out your purse or wallet and take only what you really must have. If possible, skip the purse and carry a small wallet in your front pocket. If you must carry a purse, carry it over your shoulder, across your body, or carry a wristlet purse. These make it harder for a purse-snatcher to access your purse. Plus, if you do have your purse or wallet stolen or if you lose it, you will not have to replace as many cards and can quickly report the ones that were stolen/lost.

Shop during the daylight hours

If possible, shop during the daytime. Once it gets dark, thieves have an advantage of being able to hide in the dark and then attack unsuspecting shoppers when they are walking back to their vehicles with their purchases. If you must shop after sundown, park as close to the store as you can and in a well-lit area. If you feel uncomfortable walking to your car, ask if there is a security guard who can escort you through the parking lot. Have your key out and check around your vehicle before getting in it. Once you are inside, lock your doors and don’t delay in leaving.

If you are approached by anyone in the parking lot or if someone’s behavior seems suspicious, return to the store instead of trying to get to your car. Your car cannot protect you as well as being in the store with other people can. Alert store security or a manager if there is any suspicious activity or if someone did approach you and seemed to be a threat.

Protect your purchases

Thieves know that holiday shopping time is prime time to find lots to steal in the parking lots of malls and other shopping centers. If you have to leave any purchases in your car, be sure to hide or cover them well. Lock them in the trunk of a car or if you are driving an SUV or minivan, cover them with a blanket. Don’t leave anything visible. If you plan to drop off purchases and then go back into the same mall/shopping center, get in your car and drive to another part of the parking lot to re-park. Or take a break, leave the area to get lunch or a snack and come back later. Thieves may be lurking in the parking lot and if one sees you put packages in your car and go back into the mall, your vehicle will be a prime target.

Don’t overload yourself

Leaving a store with arms full of several bags, boxes, and other goodies may look fun and exciting in commercials, but in real life it makes you a target for attackers. An attacker knows it will be harder for you to fight with your arms full and it will be easier to catch you off-guard because you’ll be distracted by trying to carry and balance all your purchases. And remember, thieves often work in pairs. If someone approaches you, be wary of not only them, but anyone else who might be around because they may be planning to pick-pocket or snatch your bags or purse while you are distracted by the one who approached you.

Be alert at all times

Be aware of your surroundings when out in public, not only for possible thieves or attackers, but for potential safety hazards as well. If you are walking through a parking lot, watch out for cars, as crowded and busy parking lots may make it hard for drivers to see you, especially if they are backing out of a parking space. If you are driving, watch closely for pedestrians, especially those who might be paying attention or may be overloaded with packages and bags. Look carefully behind you before backing out of a parking space.

If the weather is rainy, snowy or icy, be extra cautious walking in the parking lot and even when you step into the store, as slick floors may cause falls.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and stay safe!

Counting Our Blessings: Proven Ways to Raise a Grateful Child

It’s Christmas Day…or the first night of Chanukah…or maybe it’s Thanksgiving… and your family and guests are all gathered together at your table ready for the meal to begin, but you first want folks to share their blessings. Be honest. Which scenario would best depict your reaction when it’s your children’s turn to count their blessings with the group? Would you…

A.  Beam with pride as they describe their gratitude for their life blessings?

B.   Gently remind them of things they could share?

C.   Want to die from embarrassment since your kids can’t think of anything to say?

If your kids need reminders to say “thank you”, show appreciation or take for granted thoughtful gestures, then it may be time for a gratitude makeover. Here’s another reason to do so: Studies prove that the happiest kids feel an appreciation for life—and that’s regardless of their wealth or personal circumstances. They are also more joyful, determined, optimistic, resilient, less stressed and even healthier. So if you’re a tad concerned that your kids’ attitude of gratitude needs a little boost, the good news is that science also proves there are simple strategies to do so. One of the easiest ways is by establishing family rituals where kids count their everyday blessings.

Here are a few to get you started:

• Thank You ABCs. This one is great for younger kids to do at the dinner table. You and your kids say the alphabet together but for each letter include something you are grateful for: A, Aunt Helen; B, my brother; C, my cat, and so on. Take it up a notch by explaining why they are grateful. Families with small kids rarely get beyond H, but the point is you’re having fun together and you kids are also learning to be appreciative.
• Holiday blessings. Say a prayer of thanks together before meals. Some families take turns so that each night a different member leads the prayer. Or do bedtime blessings when each child exchanges messages of appreciation for one another followed by a goodnight hug and kiss.
• Gratitude letters. Your child writes a letter to someone who has made a positive difference on his life but has probably not thanked properly in the past (such as his teacher, coach, scout master, grandparent). To maximum the impact, research says that your child should read the letter to the person face to face.
• Set limits. Having too much squelches appreciation. So fight the tendency to overindulge your child with too many things. Always giving kids what they want does not help kids learn to be grateful and appreciative of what they have.
• Gratitude journals. Another proven way to boost gratitude is by having your kids write something they feel grateful ideally four times a week and continue for at least for three weeks. Younger kids can draw or dictate things they are most grateful for; older kids can write in a diary or in a computer. Why not do so as a family?
• Thank your kids. Don’t overlook your kids’ daily thoughtful deeds. Just be sure to tell them what they did that you appreciate so they are more likely to copy your example and send their own “appreciation messages” to others.
• Expose your kids to the less fortunate. Face-to-face experiences can go a long way in helping kids appreciate their blessings. So find ways for you and your child to do charitable work (playing with kids in a homeless shelter, reading to the blind, building low-cost house, or delivering meals for the bed-ridden).

Remember, change is a process not a one-time activity. So stick to your commitment and find simple ways to help your child practice gratitude, reinforce any efforts and don’t give up until you get the desired change.

Happy New Year!

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Their Coughing is Louder Than the Caroling: What’s a Parent to Do?

Coughing children are a big problem…especially during the holidays. They can’t sleep. They keep their already sleep-deprived parents awake. They sound dreadful. They cough so hard they barf (ick).

Every parent, at some time, comes to me desperately seeking a cure for their child’s cough. The children are usually desperate too, though after his mom told me that he had coughed for a month, one patient of mine seemed quite gleeful, exclaiming “And I have snot rockets!”

What can an exhausted parent do to help the hacking little one? Isn’t there a medicine to stop that cough?

The marketers of cough and cold medications would like you to think so. Take a tour of the cough and cold aisle in your local drugstore and you will see some very seductive terms: cough syrups are marketed as “mucolytics” (break down that disgusting thick sludge in your lungs!), “expectorants” (out, out, damn goo), and “suppressants” (STOP that painful, hacking cough.) True, “seductive” may be a strange descriptor when discussing snot, but these terms can be very tantalizing to a frantic parent whose kid is hacking up a lung.

A sure fire cough remedy, however, is not as easy to find as these product descriptions would suggest.

Though I would love to have a cure for cough, several widely cited studies have concluded that no cough syrup, whether over-the-counter (OTC) or prescription, actually works. They don’t help kids get better faster. They don’t help kids feel better. They don’t help kids (or parents) sleep through the night. Furthermore, a variety of rare but serious health problems have been associated with use of these medications in children, including death, convulsions, rapid heart rates and decreased levels of consciousness. The American Academy of Pediatric’s Committee on Drugs recommends “that parents be informed about the lack of proven effects and potential risks of cough preparations.” In other words, we should tell our patients that cough medicines don’t work and may be harmful. The American College of Chest Physicians agrees.

I once gave a mom that news that there was no immediate cure for her child’s cough. “Our family,” she said, quite irate, “cannot afford another night without sleep!” Her point was well taken: colds can cause a great deal of stress in families’ lives. So what is a desperate parent to do? Is there any remedy that will help their hacking child?

Though I can’t immediately cure most coughs, there are some helpful treatments that are safe to use for children of all ages.

• Taking a steamy shower once or twice a day can loosen the thick mucous in the nose and upper airway. Carefully holding your child’s head over a steamy pot or a vaporizer can also loosen the phlegm.
• Nasal saline drops or saline rinses can be extremely helpful. Babies will hate having water in their nose but it will loosen their mucous and after some spluttering and coughing, they will appreciate your efforts in clearing their breathing passages.
• For children over 1-year-old, honey is a delicious and effective remedy for cough: see my previous post on honey as a cough remedy for further details.
• And as with any illness, staying well hydrated will help the immune system fight the infection and can also keep the mucous loose and flowing.

In the end, it is love and time that will cure most coughs, which are usually caused by cold or flu viruses. As usual, please seek medical advice from a physician and not the internet if you have any serious concerns, especially for children who have difficulty breathing, have a persistent cough for more than two or three weeks, or who seem very sick.

Tips for Parents:

• Tried-and-true home remedies can be very helpful for relieving symptoms of colds and the flu: try honey for children over 1 year old.
• OTC cough and cold medicines do not cure children or adults when they have nasal congestion and cough. They may be helpful for short term symptom relief. And they are rarely harmful (except to the wallet) for older children and adults. But if you try them and they’re not helping, there is no need to continue to use them.
• OTC cough and cold medicines should be avoided in young children (<2 years old.).
• Read medicine bottles closely and use the measuring devices that come with them when giving children any medicine.

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Holiday Visit Safety Tips

The holiday season is in full swing and many families will be traveling to visit relatives. If your relatives do not have young children, their homes may not be child-proofed. In all the hustle and bustle of this busy time of year, distractions can easily take a parent’s attention off of young children and could place your child in danger, if safety precautions are not already in place.

Here are some tips for making your holiday visits safer for your child:

Prepare in advance

When planning your visit, ask your relatives to take some child-proofing measures to prepare for your child’s visit. Provide them with some easy ways they can child-proof, but don’t expect them to do a full, thorough childproofing job or spend money on childproofing gadgets. Easy ways to childproof include putting fragile or breakable items high out of reach, and locking away dangerous items, such as guns, lighters, and cigarettes. Cabinets with knobs can be temporarily “locked” with rubber bands wrapped around the knobs to hold them closed. Uncovered wastebaskets can be covered or put in an area inaccessible to your child. Ask your relatives what they are willing and able to do and offer to bring portable childproofing items with you, if necessary.

Pools and hot tubs

Whether a pool or hot tub is full of water or covered for winter, it is a potential danger. If your relative has either, you need to make sure your child cannot access the pool area or hot tub. Check to see what safety measures are already in place (fence, locked gate, alarm, etc) and always keep an eye on your child while outside.

Pets

If your relative has pets, it is important to never allow your child to be alone with them. Young children should never be left alone with any animal, whether the animal is familiar with the child or not. Even the most docile, sweet-natured pet can cause serious injury if it feels threatened or protective of its territory. A young child may innocently pull on fur or a tail, or try to eat a pet’s food and be attacked for it. Make sure any interaction with your relative’s pets and your child is closely supervised at all times.

Alcohol

Holiday parties often include alcoholic beverages. If children are around, it is imperative to keep all alcohol out of their reach. It takes very little alcohol to poison a small child. Ask relatives and friends to keep an eye on their own drink and keep it away from your child.

Medications

You most likely have all medications out of your child’s reach at your own home, but your relatives without kids may be used to leaving frequently used medications on a counter or on a low shelf. Ask them to temporarily put all medications up high, out of sight and reach of your child. A common place for kids to find medications is in the purse of a relative. Kids may think they are finding mints or candy. Make sure purses are kept out of reach, especially if they contain medicine or any other dangerous item, such as a lighter.

Plants

Some household plants can cause stomach upset if ingested, and some are poisonous. If your relative has plants, ask if they can be temporarily put out of reach of your child.

Supervision

Above all else, the best childproofing tip is to keep a close eye on your child. No amount of childproofing can fully replace adequate adult supervision. This is especially true in an unfamiliar, non-childproofed environment. Do not assume that because there may be several adults around that your child is safe. Too often, when there are several people gathered for a party or visit, each person assumes another is watching the kids when in reality no one may be paying close enough attention to them.

Taking preventative safety measures in advance of and during your trip can make it safer for your child and more enjoyable for everyone. If your relatives work with you to make their home a safe environment for your child, be sure to thank them for their help!

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