Be a Parent and Not a Referee: Simple Tips to End the Fighting

It’s the soundtrack to parenthood: the battles, the bickering, the rivalries. Mom- she’s touching me! He’s looking out my window! Tell her to get out of my room! Even on the best of days these sibling squabbles can make you want to pull your hair out. Add in busy schedules and mounting stress and coming home to conflict and contention can just be too much to handle. So what can you do when your living room more closely resembles a war zone rather than the relaxing retreat that it should be?

Though you can’t force your siblings to be best friends, you can get a handle on their squabbles and create a (relatively) harmonious home.

As you probably know already, just saying ‘You kids stop your fighting!’ isn’t going to cut it. Kids respond to firm boundaries and clear cut directives. So what you have to do is lay out some non-negotiable rules and enforce them…period.

There are four simple house rules that will result in a (temporary, at least) cease-fire on all the fighting. The key to successful implementation: consistency, consistency, consistency! (Did I say consistency?)

No yelling. Instate a ‘vow of yellibacy’ in your house and enforce it. When tempers flare and feelings are hurt, the volume decimal tends to rise, causing arguments to quickly escalate and get out of hand. Just remember: the ‘no yelling’ rule isn’t only for the kids, it goes for you too. Parents have to set the example for staying calm and collected when they are upset or angry as well. This should be rule number one. All family members must use calm voices only—no yelling allowed. And if talks get heated, anyone can make a time-out hand sign hinting that he needs to cool down. When cooler heads prevail, arguments get resolved much more quickly and in a way that is less stressful for everyone.

No taking without asking. Property ownership can be a BIG deal to little ones, and the time honored “Mooom, she’s touching my stuff!” complaint can be frequent in multi-child households. This can be a particularly touchy issue for tweens and teens- especially if there is a younger sibling in the house. Older siblings can get pretty upset when their iPods and laptops are confiscated by tiny sticky (literally!) fingers. Insist that permission of the owner must be granted before borrowing, using, or taking any property. Not only will this cut down on the conflict, but it will also make it easier to resolve any arguments that may come up. If permission was not asked for and granted, then you know who broke the rule. Simple as that.

No hurtful behaviors. With bullies and mean girls running the schools, it’s important that you set the standard for you home to be a safe haven for your kids. It should be a place free from hurtful behaviors. Set a strict policy: name-calling and hitting will not be tolerated, under and circumstances and they will result in a consequence. Tolerating hurtful behavior inside your home only encourages your kids to display it when you aren’t around as well- and that’s not a character trait any parent wants to encourage. This rule should stand for each child in your home, no matter what age they are. The consequences may differ according to the age group: for a younger child, a display of hurtful behavior will result in a time-out. If your child is older, then it means the loss of a privilege. While hitting and hurtful words are sure to happen when it comes to siblings, it’s up to you to make them understand that you will not tolerate it under any circumstance.

No involvement without evidence. If you are the parent of siblings, you’ve probably also spent a good deal of time playing referee. Kids are quick to run to a parent’s aid to help settle their disagreements and if you weren’t a witness to the incident itself, then it can be hard to know exactly what to do. Borba says you should get involved in the conflict only if you actually saw or heard it occur. This will help to keep you neutral and will encourage your kids to adopt strategies to help them work things out for themselves. If your kids seek your help, but you don’t have any evidence, then step away. Instead, suggest that they use Rock, Paper, Scissors to work out their problem. This prevents you from having to choose sides or take one kid’s word over another’s—and it will also teach them to work things out for themselves. After all, you won’t always be there to help them resolve their problems, so it’s better that they acquire the skills at home so they are ready when the time comes.

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research . The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has recently been released and is now available at amazon.com

In Memory of Noah…please watch your children around cars

Travis is in the Air Force and we were stationed at Scott AFB in Illinois for quite some time. Illinois was the only place Noah had ever lived…but he was used to moving. We had to move several times from one house to another. This time it was from one house on base (that was scheduled to be renovated) to a brand new house that had just been built down the road. We were all excited, we had never lived in a brand new house before nor one so big. Noah was worried about how we were going to get all of our stuff to the “Empty House”.

Looking back in my memory files, I realize that I don’t have a lot of memory of the day of the accident. Not of the little stuff. I don’t even remember what day of the week it was.

Thursday I think.   July 26, 2007.

There was a buzz in the air that morning. Everyone was excited. Noah just celebrated his 5th birthday the day before, and he was anxious to play with his new scooter.  I had a lot of things to do. Noah had some birthday cake for breakfast. Sure! Why not. I didn’t want to fuss and argue that day. Happy as a lark he was.

I filled up the back of the van with boxes of kitchen stuff to bring to the new house. Noah added a couple of things to put in his new room. The girls helped. I brought several loads of small things down to the new house that morning…setting everything up just right. The bigger stuff would come later when Travis could get off work and we could rent a truck.

I remember backing into the double garage with a little bit of difficulty because the driveway was curved. I didn’t think much about it. I couldn’t bring much in the van because everything had to be weighed so we could get paid from the Air Force for this move. So I headed back home where all the kids in the Cul-de-sac were playing. It was a beautiful, sunny day.

All the kids got out of the road. I had my windows rolled down and I could hear the older kids shout, “Car”. Everyone would dart into the yards and wait for the car to go by and park. They had a good system going.

I backed the van up to the house and parked it. Noah was playing on his new bright colored scooter. I walked down the driveway to check the mail and saw Noah at the top of the driveway, beside the van getting ready to take off like a rocket down my way towards the road. I ran up beside him and gave him a “Smoochie” and told him “I love you.” “Thanks Mom” he said, and away he went. I will be forever glad I said that to him.

The girls were fussing in the house. That was nothing unusual. We were watching a friend’s dog. I had forgotten about that until just now. Lucky was the dogs name, and he happened to be hanging out at our place so I didn’t have to go back and forth to let him out. This is where I draw a blank some.

I just remember after coming home, that I went upstairs in my room and lay down in bed. I was tired already, and the thought of all the work ahead of me for that day made me even more tired. My ear bothered me. It was plugged and in a little pain. I thought I was getting an ear infection.

Travis came home. Noah was excited and followed him up the stairs to where I was. He wanted to talk about the money he got for his birthday. $30.00 is a lot of money to a 5 year old. I heard Noah tell his dad…” You know dad I’m richer than YOU! I have a Million Dollars!” Travis asked him what he was going to do with that Million Dollars. Noah said he was going to buy Orange Tic-Tacs – his favorite treat to get when he went to the Shoppette with his Dad. We all got a great laugh out of that. Noah climbed on the bed with me, and Travis started changing his cloths. Sooner or later Noah was told to go play outside.

Travis and I made plans to go get the truck. Travis knew of a place to rent trucks in the town, not too far away. I kind of dreaded getting up off the bed, because I really didn’t feel well. But I did. I was excited to move into the new house, and there was a lot to be done. I told the girls that we were going to go get the truck, and that I would have to drive the Van so their dad could drive the truck back. I was outside by the van when I asked Beth if she would watch Noah. She didn’t want to and Noah wanted to go with us. I was perfectly fine with him going with us. I didn’t mind at all. It shouldn’t take long after all.

Noah was excited. He was dressed in new cloths that he got from Gramma, and told me after he got buckled into his seat that he “Looked Hot”. Something he undoubtedly picked up from his sisters.

When we pulled into the truck rental place I wondered if the place even rented trucks, because it looked more like a place that just had storage units to rent. I didn’t see any trucks. The parking lot was covered with white rocks. They crunched when I drove over them and parked. Travis got out and went in to do business.

Noah hummed and chattered away behind me in his car seat. It was taking longer than he thought it should so he unbuckled his seat-belt and walked up to stand next to me while I was sitting in the driver’s seat. Noah asked where we were, and I told him this is the place where we are going to borrow a truck so we can take all our stuff to the new empty house. Satisfied with that he wanted to go in and be with his Dad. I told him that was fine, and I would watch him walk to the door. He went in and I called my mother on the phone to tell her that we were moving that day, and we talked a little bit. I saw Travis come out of the building. There was a vehicle on both sides of the van so I couldn’t see Travis after a couple of seconds. I figured Noah was with Travis, happily trotting behind him.

Some time went by and I saw Travis driving the moving truck in my rear-view mirror. I thought they were ready to go because it looked like Travis was setting up the truck to pull out into traffic. I assumed that Noah was in the truck with Travis. But Travis had told him to go wait by the doors to the building. I told my mother that I had to go, because Travis was getting ready to leave. I snapped my cell-phone shut and threw it in the empty seat next to me. I put the van in reverse, threw my arm over the passenger side seat and backed out of the parking spot by looking out the back window.

I heard a bump. I thought it sounded like I ran over a box, but I thought to myself I hadn’t gotten out of the van to put a box behind the van. Suddenly I realized what might have happened, quickly, faster than I could ever explain, I threw the van in drive and parked it again in the spot it was in. Terrified, I jumped out of the van and ran to the back of it. I could hear Travis screaming “NO” as he got out of the truck.

Noah was laying on his belly with his head turned to the left side on the hot rocks that made the parking lot. I tried to pick Noah up, but Travis screamed for me not to. Noah was then on his back, unconscious. I ran into the building where I screamed for someone to call 911! I couldn’t speak anything but that. “My son has been hurt, call 911”

I know someone called, I remember seeing them calmly talking on the phone, but I couldn’t calm down. Travis stayed with Noah, shading his head from the sun. I could not compose myself and ended up crumpled on the floor in the building screaming.

It seemed like it took a very long time for the ambulance to come. I couldn’t watch when they did get there. I was far too out of it. I know they took Noah into the ambulance and they were breathing for him and doing what they could until the helicopter got there. Again it seemed to take a long time. I didn’t feel like we had this kind of time to waste waiting…Something had to be done. I tried to go in the ambulance to keep an eye on my boy, but the police officer wouldn’t let me. He told me it would be better for Noah if I was not in there while I was so upset. I went back into the building. I think I passed out. Blood was on the walls. My glasses were gone. A police officer came in and talked to me. I remember telling him that I didn’t see Noah. I didn’t know he was there! He tried to comfort me, but I think I was beyond needing a pat on the back. I heard the helicopter coming. Before it landed in the road, I tried to see Noah again. The officer standing by the ambulance still would not let me get in.

Quickly they moved Noah from the ambulance to the helicopter and away he went to Childrens hospital in St. Louis. I was left feeling panicked with a strong need to GO! I needed to GO to the hospital. But we could not drive because Both Travis and I were too upset. Someone from Travis’s office came to drive us to the hospital. By this time, almost everyone who needed to know what happened knew. The drive to the hospital was painfully long. I just cried.

When we got to the hospital I plowed through the front doors, Travis was behind me with my purse. I didn’t even realize I had gone through a security check point until Travis told me to wait up. I just needed to get to my son! I asked someone where Noah Allen was. They knew who he was and were expecting us. I remember being led to a small waiting room. No one else was in there. It was quiet…just Travis and myself. I sunk to the floor. Travis stood crying. I didn’t want to be in that room. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I don’t know how much time had passed when someone came in and gave us an update, and told us that Noah was in a coma. I was somehow relieved that at least he was sleeping and not feeling any pain. She took us to the trauma room where they were working on Noah. They were getting him ready to have a CT scan done, and bring him into surgery.

My poor boy lay there on that bed, a nurse breathing for him, and other nurses and doctors rushing around fussing over things I couldn’t even begin to understand. I felt better that I was with Noah. I had decided that he was going to be OK. And we are just going to have a long road of recovery. He might never be the same, but at least I would still have my son.

I don’t remember if they took him away, or if we were taken out of the room. A nurse approached me and asked if I was Dawn Allen. Just like in the movies, I started crying. I thought she was going to tell me that Noah had passed away. I didn’t recognize her as one of my friends until she told me who she was. She just happened to be working in the ER that day. It was time to go to another waiting room on another floor because Noah was going into surgery. The next thing I remember is being wheeled out of a different ER room where I was admitted as a patient. Evidently in the elevator on our way up to the next floor I passed out.

When Travis wheeled me out of the room there were a lot of people from the base there to support us. I remember seeing them and feeling comforted by the fact that they were all there. Everyone introduced themselves. I remember that most everyone were Pastors, Fathers, and the such. We were waiting to talk to the doctor. We didn’t wait very long. The doctors came in the room still in their surgical garb.

The only thing I remember is one doctor telling Travis and I was that Noah was a very sick little boy. Everything after that is a blur. Noah was in Children’s ICU, being kept alive with life support.

During the next couple of days family showed up from out of state, and we had a huge amount of support from the base, and the local church we attended. There were always two people at the hospital with us for the whole time we were there…sometimes more. I hardly left Noah’s bed, as his body continually got worse.

Finally on Saturday, July 28th 2007, tests had shown that Noah’s brain was no longer functioning. We had life support turned off. Family and friends gathered around his bed. Noah’s “million dollars” and his Orange Tic-Tacs lay next to him. We all said our goodbye’s.

We had two funerals for Noah. One was for our Air Force family and our Church family in Illinois. Then the next day Noah’s body was flown to Maine for his final funeral at his grave side. This is where I draw a blank. I have almost no memory for about 6 months after we had the life support turned off. I rely on what my family and friends tell me happened. Travis remembers it all. He was/is my rock. Travis had to make the arrangements. I was useless with grief and guilt and the desire to end my life. I do remember feelings more than I remember events. I remember I hated waking up. It meant I was still alive.

To this day – two years and 7 months later, I still struggle. I have terrible memory problems, major depressive episodes, guilt, hallucinations and super anxieties. Sometimes I feel as though I am a terrible burden to my family. Travis is still my foundation…my rock. We share a bond stronger than ever. I am so blessed to have him.

I am told I am my own worst enemy. No charges were ever brought upon me because it clearly was a horrible accident. Guilt and sorrow are overwhelming at times, and there are still times when I wish someone would run over me and I could be done with this world and go to my baby boy in Heaven, Lord willing.

For now, until I can meet with my son again I have sentenced myself to life.

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Note from Pediatric Safety: Our love and support go out to Dawn and her family…and we are grateful to her for sharing her story to help others. Tragedies like this happen way too often. For more information and how you can help, please visit http://www.kidsandcars.org

Cleaning Your Kids Ears: Are Q-Tips Safe?

A friend once told me with great disdain, while watching me wiggle a cotton swab deep in my ear canal with great satisfaction, “I never use Q-tips to clean out my ears.” Apparently a doctor once told him never to put anything smaller than his elbow into his ear, and he took these words as gospel.

Do you ever have the feeling when someone tells you some great truth, a law of the universe that you’ve been breaking for years in ignorance, that it’s remarkable that you have survived this long, having missed out on some basic manual on life along the way? I often wonder if the parents in my practice feel this way as I spout my wisdom on general health issues, and they look chagrined at having broken the rules with their child. The good news is, it’s hard to break your child. ..especially with things like the management of ear wax.

So what are the rules of proper ear hygiene? Though I think that my friend’s doctor was a bit dramatic, I do agree that for the most part, cotton swabs do more harm than good for children’s ears.

Here’s the lowdown.

Ear wax (otherwise known as cerumen) is icky, and sometimes smells quite foul, but it actually serves several important functions. It is created in the outer half of the ear canal, where it serves to lubricate the skin of the ear canal, and prevents flaking and itching. It also has antibacterial properties and protects the skin of the ear from infections like otitis externa, commonly known as swimmer’s ear.

Ear wax almost always comes out of the ear on its own accord. There are small hairs, called cilia, lining the outer half of the ear canal which act as a conveyor belt, pushing the old wax out as the new wax is formed. And so under most circumstances, ears clean themselves.

What is the harm of a little friendly assistance? There are several potential problems caused by good intentions. Often, especially in children’s small ear canals, using a cotton swab actually pushes the wax deeper into the canal, to the far recesses where there are no hairs to help remove it. In children who make a thick, moist wax, their ears often become so clogged with wax that their hearing becomes dulled, which can impact speech development in younger kids and learning and behavior in older kids.

And then there are those over-eager toddlers who wiggle a little too hard and deep and puncture their eardrum. This common injury usually heals very well, but sometimes the tiny bones that are essential for proper hearing are damaged or the membrane fails to heal and an innocent cleaning exercise can have profound impact on the life of a child.

In the end, though I was chagrined myself when I first heard this advice, I too now recommend avoiding q-tips or cotton-tipped swabs for ear hygiene.

Tips for Parents:

• The secret to clean ears is to use a wash cloth only on the outer, visible part of the ear to clean the wax as it naturally comes out. Internal cleaning is not necessary, and may be harmful.
• If you are concerned about your child’s hearing, visit your doctor to see if they have ears plugged with wax.
• Never allow your children to play with cotton swabs or place anything else (carrots included) in their ears.
• Itchy ears are often caused by over-zealous cleaning habits. A few drops of mineral oil can help soothe them while you wait for the ear’s natural lubricant to return.

Their Coughing is Louder Than the Caroling: What’s a Parent to Do?

Coughing children are a big problem…especially during the holidays. They can’t sleep. They keep their already sleep-deprived parents awake. They sound dreadful. They cough so hard they barf (ick).

Every parent, at some time, comes to me desperately seeking a cure for their child’s cough. The children are usually desperate too, though after his mom told me that he had coughed for a month, one patient of mine seemed quite gleeful, exclaiming “And I have snot rockets!”

What can an exhausted parent do to help the hacking little one? Isn’t there a medicine to stop that cough?

The marketers of cough and cold medications would like you to think so. Take a tour of the cough and cold aisle in your local drugstore and you will see some very seductive terms: cough syrups are marketed as “mucolytics” (break down that disgusting thick sludge in your lungs!), “expectorants” (out, out, damn goo), and “suppressants” (STOP that painful, hacking cough.) True, “seductive” may be a strange descriptor when discussing snot, but these terms can be very tantalizing to a frantic parent whose kid is hacking up a lung.

A sure fire cough remedy, however, is not as easy to find as these product descriptions would suggest.

Though I would love to have a cure for cough, several widely cited studies have concluded that no cough syrup, whether over-the-counter (OTC) or prescription, actually works. They don’t help kids get better faster. They don’t help kids feel better. They don’t help kids (or parents) sleep through the night. Furthermore, a variety of rare but serious health problems have been associated with use of these medications in children, including death, convulsions, rapid heart rates and decreased levels of consciousness. The American Academy of Pediatric’s Committee on Drugs recommends “that parents be informed about the lack of proven effects and potential risks of cough preparations.” In other words, we should tell our patients that cough medicines don’t work and may be harmful. The American College of Chest Physicians agrees.

I once gave a mom that news that there was no immediate cure for her child’s cough. “Our family,” she said, quite irate, “cannot afford another night without sleep!” Her point was well taken: colds can cause a great deal of stress in families’ lives. So what is a desperate parent to do? Is there any remedy that will help their hacking child?

Though I can’t immediately cure most coughs, there are some helpful treatments that are safe to use for children of all ages.

• Taking a steamy shower once or twice a day can loosen the thick mucous in the nose and upper airway. Carefully holding your child’s head over a steamy pot or a vaporizer can also loosen the phlegm.
• Nasal saline drops or saline rinses can be extremely helpful. Babies will hate having water in their nose but it will loosen their mucous and after some spluttering and coughing, they will appreciate your efforts in clearing their breathing passages.
• For children over 1-year-old, honey is a delicious and effective remedy for cough: see my previous post on honey as a cough remedy for further details.
• And as with any illness, staying well hydrated will help the immune system fight the infection and can also keep the mucous loose and flowing.

In the end, it is love and time that will cure most coughs, which are usually caused by cold or flu viruses. As usual, please seek medical advice from a physician and not the internet if you have any serious concerns, especially for children who have difficulty breathing, have a persistent cough for more than two or three weeks, or who seem very sick.

Tips for Parents:

• Tried-and-true home remedies can be very helpful for relieving symptoms of colds and the flu: try honey for children over 1 year old.
• OTC cough and cold medicines do not cure children or adults when they have nasal congestion and cough. They may be helpful for short term symptom relief. And they are rarely harmful (except to the wallet) for older children and adults. But if you try them and they’re not helping, there is no need to continue to use them.
• OTC cough and cold medicines should be avoided in young children (<2 years old.).
• Read medicine bottles closely and use the measuring devices that come with them when giving children any medicine.

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Dear Santa…Please Keep My Family Safe

Every year children all across the country and the world make lists to Santa. Wishes for new bikes and dolls and don’t forget the very latest toy. Childhood wishes and childhood dreams. Every year though children are poisoned by holiday plants; are electrocuted by holiday decorations. Parents die in drunk-driving collisions.

As a paramedic my partner and I responded one Christmas morning to an unknown medical. When we arrived we walked past a Christmas tree completely surrounded by presents as well as two young children eagerly awaiting both parents arrival so the day’s festivities could begin. The husband met us and led us to the master bedroom. Mom was dead- had died several hours earlier. The holidays are hard times for many people even people with love, and family and friends. Some people make choices during the holiday they might not make during other times of the year. There was nothing we could do and not a more helpless feeling we could feel.

What’s amazing to me is that this call was over 20 years ago. I had no other involvement that what I stated yet I still remember it- every Christmas season. The children would be grown by now. I bet that they too still remember. I bet they still feel different about Christmas than do many of their friends.

I bet if those kids could go back in time their wishes would simply be to have Mom with them for many more years to come. So please place safety at the very top of your Santa list. As adults we need to assure the health and safety of our kids and we can’t afford a break over the holiday season.

The lyrics of one of my favorite holiday songs perhaps say it best.

My Grown Up Christmas List

….”As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something shiny
Wrapped beneath the tree

But heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end

Oh, This is my grown up Christmas list”

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