How to Talk To Your Kids About…A New Baby

Bringing home a new baby fills a house with joy and wonder. It can also bring worry and stress to older siblings who feel their world has just been turned upside down. A sense of jealousy, resentment, and even a little anger is normal. Siblings fear there won’t be enough love, or time to go around.

As parents, there are things we can say and do to help ease the transition.

Talk about what WON’T change once the new baby arrives and emphasis all the things that will be the same. This includes:

• Keeping a similar routine – Talk to your kids about their favorite parts of the day, and make sure you keep those consistent.
• Avoiding making big changes like toilet training, graduating from the crib, or changing rooms. Work through these transitions a few months before baby arrives, or a few months after.
• Keeping life predictable - Remember, predictability brings a sense of security that is really important to children, so keep things predictable and consistent.

Talk about the new “big sibling role”. Be sure your conversations are realistic. Getting your kids excited about the things the baby can’t do until he/she is four will create false hopes.

Involve older siblings in making meaningful decisions, before and after the baby arrives and let them help with the new baby. Make sure that one-on-one time is still spent with each child. Make it a point to have individual conversations and experiences with each of your children. This will help them feel special and loved and let them know that the new baby has not taken their spot in the family.

A fun way to help older siblings make the new baby transition: we give each of our children a disposable camera and ask them to be the photographers. They feel important and have fun taking pictures at the hospital and once we get home. It is so fun to get the pictures developed. Some of our very best photos have come from our kids.

What’s worked the best for your family??

Special Siblings

The other day my three children and I got into a discussion about special needs kids. They all go to a charter school with a mission statement of inclusion, and many special needs students are enrolled there. There are “paras” in each class – paraprofessionals who assist these special students. Each class has space for three special needs children. My 6-year-old son commented that his kindergarten class only has two of these kids.

I was shocked. His class does have three special needs kids – the third one is his twin sister!  I told him this gently, not wanting to make a big deal about it. But he argued with me, saying that his sister didn’t need any help like that. The other two students in his class can have extreme behavior even though they have completely different conditions.

Since they are twins my son came along to every therapy session, doctor’s appointment, assessment and specialist. He was right there beside her for the entire journey – special equipment, toys, bottles, shoes and more. People came in and out of our house to work with her. We went to an inclusion mommy and me program and preschool. But he doesn’t remember most of it since he was a baby. As he got older, I guess he didn’t question it. I know he and his older brother get a little jealous because the rules are sometimes different for her, but for the most part she is just their sister.

For more on siblings of special needs kids:

• Check out the book by Holly Robinson Peete and her daughter at Amazon.com
• Click here are some other good articles
• Article from New York Times 2006
• Also, most Counseling centers and Regional Centers have support groups for siblings

If you have a special needs child have you dealt with situations like this?

Biting!!

Your beloved child is in a school situation for the first time and you’re just as proud as can be that there were no major hitches and life goes on in a relatively uncomplicated manner. You’ve received good reports from his/her teachers and you have looked over the Picasso-like paintings and drawings he/she has faithfully brought home to you. Life is good!

Just then word reaches you. He/she has done what??? Did you say bite someone in the class? You ask with incredulity. That just can’t be, not our little baby; it has never happened at home… unless you count the time he/she bit the dog’s tail and received a growl as a reward and warning at the same time. But there it was just wagging in his/her little face, and what’s a little person going to do, commands to the pet do not even work when the adults try to enforce Rover’s poor manners. A bite seems to get a lot of attention from the pet and parents alike- seems like a good plan!

In fact, biting another individual does indeed get a lot of attention and a certain amount of infantile pleasure at having the capacity and strength to cause such an immediate reaction. Gee, just can’t think of anything that works better; of course a dirty diaper can get a similar reaction but not as dramatic, and when you consider the discomfort of sitting in that mess for a period of time before it is noticed, it sure isn’t the best method. So, call it readily accessible weapons, or the need for immediate gratification, but your child has found out the age old secret and is trying it on some unsuspecting child of his or her approximate size and strength.

OK, that’s the facts, now what can you do about it? Well, the first thing is not to bite back- we would expect that of the dog but not of a parent. After all if he/she urinated on you just after dressing for the day would you turn around and reciprocate? Of course not so we need to develop a method that is civilized, explanatory, and requires some punishment if it persists.

First of all, I’ve found that you need to catch the child in the act, but if my experience holds true, the little devil will attempt this at home at some point. There are no studies to support my method of dealing with this issue except the good responses I receive from parents who are only too happy to stop this habit- FAST! There must be an immediate loud, forceful verbal “NO” (which it is almost impossible to suppress) followed in short order by a light flick to the side of the lips/mouth with one of your fingers. I’ve found this to be shocking enough for an immediate release to occur, but not forceful enough to cause any local damage. Your child will get the picture fairly quickly that this behavior is certainly something that should not and will not be repeated. Stick with it parents, it won’t take long and the problem will be gone.

Raising a Family

I am the mother of two amazing children, one boy – 10 years old and one girl – 6 years old. My son is autistic and my daughter isn’t. Needless to say, life around our house is challenging.

My son received his diagnosis at age five. We were literally on a roller coaster of doctor visits and evaluations before he received his diagnosis. We knew he was autistic, but hearing the words from the doctor was still hard to take. We survived. My son is wonderful and we do everything we can to help him.

Before getting pregnant with my daughter, my husband thought long and hard about having another child. Our biggest concerns were whether or not we would be able to give our son the attention he needed and what would happen if our second child ended up being autistic. We knew that there was a good chance that we would end up with two children on the spectrum, even though we did not have an official diagnosis at that time. In the end, we decided that no matter what, we would love both of our children and do whatever we had to do in order to make it work.

Our daughter was born, and we had no problems. Our son took to her immediately. He loved this bundle of noise the moment he set eyes on her. As they both grew a little older, our daughter has shifted between being little sister to big sister. Constantly going back and forth between the two, she has developed a special relationship with her brother. No one interacts with my son the way she does. She demands his attention and gets it. They laugh and play together in a way that makes me envious. My son does not interact with other children. He simply stands or sits on the sidelines and watches.

It’s amazing how accepting my daughter is of her brother’s differences. We have had to be careful about her copying him, though. Little sisters love to copy their older siblings. She is no exception. We take each occurrence as it happens, letting her know what is appropriate and what isn’t. We explain why and she struggles with her acceptance of it. When she was younger, the hardest instance of this was communication. My son is nonverbal and used to communicate solely with gestures and sounds. My daughter wanted to do the same and we had to constantly tell her to use her words. It was hard for her to understand why she had to when her brother did not.

We have overcome a lot in the last six years. At the heart of it, what has made us able to handle everything, is our love. My husband and I love each other and we love our children. We balance our time with each other and with the two of them. We have made sure we have plenty of family time and plenty of one on one time with each of our children. There is no rule book for raising a family that has a child with autism. All you have to go on is instinct and love. If you have those two things working for you, you can take on anything.