Parents Too Plugged In? That’s What Our Kids Say

“She’s always on her blackberry. It’s soooo annoying!”

“I hate it when he’s talking on his cell. It makes me feel sad.”

“I put a timer on the computer. When it goes off, it’s time to play with me.”

Sound familiar? After all, we do seem be complaining a lot these days about our kids’ online behavior. Except these complaints were issued by children! Yep, the kids.

Those were actual statements uttered by a group of four to seven year olds all fed up that their parents were always chatting, texting, or clicking away. And the kids sure had their reasons:

Each chat, text, or click, they said, meant less time for “Mom and me.”

Each chat, text, or click also made the kids feel like they didn’t matter to their parents. “She likes her Blackberry more than me.”

Ouch!

NBC correspondent, Kate Snow interviewed the children as part of a Dateline special entitled, “The Perils of Parenting.” I was the parenting expert in another room with the parents who watched and listened to their kids’ comments. Hidden cameras and a crew captured everything on tape. (That special aired Monday, Sept. 13, 2011).

If you’re surprised by how the kids responded, imagine their parents’ reactions. “Shocked,” “Sad,” “Guilty,” were their most frequently voiced terms.

“I had no idea it bothered my child so much,” parents told me again and again.

Though parents may be amazed by their kids’ responses, most child experts are not.

For five years Sherry Turkle, director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, has been analyzing how parental technology use affects kids. Her research found widespread feelings of kid hurt, jealousy, and competition – almost the exact comments the children shared on Dateline.

But the real hidden danger is that each minute we connect electronically means less face-to-face time with our kids.

Though there is no guarantee, fifty years of solid research shows that the best way to reduce risky behaviors and raise emotionally healthy kids is the strength of the parent-child relationship.

So what do you think your kids would say about your behavior? Don’t be so sure they wouldn’t express similar concerns.

Tips to Help Us Unplug and Engage More with Our Kids

Here are things you can do to make sure a plugged-in lifestyle doesn’t disengage you from your family.

Check Your Online Records to Get a Reality Check

While you may have important business obligations, make sure you’re not plugged in too much to risk crucial family interactions.

There is no rewind or retrieval button when it comes to parenting.

Do an honest assessment of your typical daily online habits.

Start by identifying specific daily times you designate for family interactions (such as your dinner hour or when your child is open to chat).

Next, check your cell phone, text, and tweet logs during those times, and add up the minutes.

How are you doing? The key, of course, is to find the balance that works for your family, and then stick to it.

Ask the Kids

Have a courageous conversation as a family. Ask flat out: “Am I too plugged in?” (And be prepared for their honest answer). Also ask questions such as: “How will you let me know you want my attention? How can we start unplugging and connecting more?” And then engage and empower the kiddos: “What suggestions do you have so we’re more unplugged?” (After all, this is the Net Generation. We might as well use their expertise. Research says the typical eight to seventeen year old is plugged in 7 and a half hours a day!)

Use Voice Mail and Alarm Features

While there are clear advantages to social networking, don’t let the ease of an online connection steal precious minutes from your family interactions. Identify those key “family moment times.” Then turn on your cell’s voice mail features. Set the alarm on your computer that alerts you as to your online length. Set features to “plug you out” at designated times.

Create “Sacred Unplugged Times”

Kids say that family meals, school activities, sporting events, and after school (pick up and welcoming connectors) are when they’re most bothered by their parents’ networking behaviors. Identify your own family’s “sacred times,” announce them to your family, post them, and then preserve them. Unplug!

Tune into Silent Signals

Kids usually don’t give flat-out requests asking us to put down our Blackberries or close those laptops, but their behavior can indicate silent wishes. Each child has a unique way of letting you know they wish you’d plug into them more, so identify your child’s signals, tune in and then plug in.

Attention getters: Acting out, ansty, clowning

Proximity: Moves in closer to you; grabs or pulls on you

Sulking: Pouting or turning inward

Annoying: Grabs your blackberry, throws something, unplugs you.

Hint: When we asked kids how do you know your parent is listening to you? The answer was always: “She looks at me eye to eye.” “He puts down what he’s doing?” “He tunes into me and not his dumb iPhone.”

Don’t Text and Drive!

If you caught the Dateline special you would have seen one very frightening segment: teens who were texting, driving and crashing – again and again. The real kicker was when teens were asked the million-dollar question: “Where did you get the idea it was okay to text and drive?” Their answer: “My parents do it all the time!” Research also verifies what teens say. We are texting and driving more than our kids, and it is sending them a potentially deadly message that it’s okay to do so. So do not text and drive. Show your teens how you turn off your cell and put it in your glove compartment the minute you get into your car – just as you expect them to do. If you absolutely must answer your cell, pull over to the side of the road and then – and only then – answer. Your kids say they are watching – and they don’t like what they see! Do you blame them?

Don’t get me wrong. There are clear advantages to Blackberries, computers, Facebook, twitter, and social networking including the biggest one: being able to spend more time with our families.

Let’s just make sure that we plug into our kids more than our Blackberries. Push the pause button every once in a while and check your online behavior. Remember, there is no rewind button when it comes to regaining family life.

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research . The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has been released and is now available at amazon.com.

8 Ways to Help a Shy Child

Being a shy child isn’t easy – and for many parents, neither is raising one. You want your child to be happy and make friends, and when you see her hang back, your tendency is to push her into social situations. But pushing won’t give her the skills to control her shyness, according to Bernardo J. Carducci, Ph.D., director of The Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast.

“Adults think that being outgoing should be naturally occurring, but this is not something you grow out of,” says Dr. Carducci, who has also written The Shyness Breakthrough: A Stress-Free Plan to Help Your Shy Child Warm Up, Open Up, and Join the Fun.

Here are Dr. Carducci’s tips for teaching your child to overcome insecurity and succeed in social situations.

1. Love your child for who she is, not who you want her to be.

A child who undergoes social pressure doesn’t need the added stress of feeling like a disappointment. “You don’t want her to think that because she’s a little different you don’t like her,” says Dr. Carducci.

2. Show up early and give your child a chance to warm up.

Be one of the first ones at the party so your child can acclimate slowly as guests arrive. Allow her to just sit back and observe – even if it’s uncomfortable for you. While you’re waiting, prepare her for action by helping her think of ways to approach the other kids.

3. Help build your child’s confidence one step at a time.

Invite a school friend over to your home – a comfortable environment. Next time, take them to the park or invite a third child over. The key is to build on your child’s success by introducing new social elements one by one.

4. Remind your child of past strategies and successes.

Before your child enters a social situation, look for similarities to situations he’s faced before. Remind him how he handled things that time, and show him how this upcoming encounter is not an entirely new situation.

5. Use family time to discuss and practice social skills at home.

Over dinner, talk about what your child can expect from a certain social experience in advance. Do play-date post-mortems to remind your child of her strengths and problem-solving techniques. Be sure to include her in conversation and save adult-only discussions for later.

6. Give your child a diversity of social experience.

Bring him to different public places – the supermarket, library, post office – where he can engage with other people. Have him hand over the cash or the library card. Ask him to give the mail to the postal worker instead of dropping it in the box.

7. Be involved in the lives of others where sharing occurs.

Join a volunteer project and bring your shy child with you. That way she can see people with common goals and values working together. Help out an elderly neighbor together so your child participates in acts of kindness.

8. Be social too.

“Let your child see you be outgoing – talking to people, inviting people over,” says Dr. Carducci. Just like reading in front of children helps them become readers, socializing in front of a shy child helps her overcome her insecurities and learn the social skills she needs.

Halloween 2011: Tips From the Experts to Keep Kids Safe

It’s that time again…

What is your little one going to be for Halloween this year?? A ghost, a gorilla…maybe even Gaga (…Lady Gaga that is)??? Well whatever he or she chooses to be this year, one thing we want them ALL to be is SAFE! With that in mind we’ve gathered up the best Halloween tips and tricks that we could find from the most reliable safety sources we know.

Full credit…and our thanks go out to them.

1. DRESSING FOR THE OCCASION: (AAP)

• Plan costumes that are bright and reflective. Make sure that shoes fit well and that costumes are short enough to prevent tripping, entanglement or contact with flame.
• Consider adding reflective tape or striping to costumes and Trick-or-Treat bags for greater visibility.
• Because masks can limit or block eyesight, consider non-toxic makeup and decorative hats as safer alternatives. Hats should fit properly to prevent them from sliding over eyes.
• When shopping for costumes, wigs and accessories look for and purchase those with a label clearly indicating they are flame resistant.
• If a sword, cane, or stick is a part of your child’s costume, make sure it is not sharp or too long.
• Do not use decorative contact lenses without an eye examination and a prescription from an eye care professional. They can cause pain, inflammation, and serious eye disorders and infections, which may lead to permanent vision loss.

2. OUT TRICK-OR-TREATING: (AAP and SafeKids)

• A parent or responsible adult should always accompany young children on their neighborhood rounds.
• If your older children are going alone, plan and review the route that is acceptable to you. Agree on a specific time when they should return home.
• Obtain flashlights with fresh batteries for all children and their escorts.
• Only go to homes with a porch light on and never enter a home or car for a treat.
• Because pedestrian injuries are the most common injuries to children on Halloween, remind Trick-or Treaters:
  • Stay in a group and communicate where they will be going.
  • Carry a cell phone for quick communication.
  • Remain on well-lit streets and always use the sidewalk. Never cut across yards or use alleys.
  • Only cross the street as a group in established crosswalks. Never cross between parked cars or out driveways.
  • If no sidewalk is available, walk at the far edge of the roadway facing traffic.
  • Don’t assume the right of way. Motorists may have trouble seeing Trick-or-Treaters. Just because one car stops, doesn’t mean others will!
• If you’re out driving:
  • Slow down and be especially alert in residential neighborhoods. Children are excited on Halloween and may move in unpredictable ways.
  • Anticipate heavy pedestrian traffic and turn your headlights on earlier in the day so you can spot children from greater distances.
  • Remember that costumes can limit children’s visibility and they may not be able to see your vehicle.

3. FOR THOSE WHO CAN EAT CANDY…: (AAP and AAPD)

• A good meal prior to parties and trick-or-treating will discourage youngsters from filling up on Halloween treats.
• Wait until children are home to sort and check treats. Though tampering is rare, a responsible adult should closely examine all treats and throw away any spoiled, unwrapped or suspicious items.
• Remind kids to brush before (and after) eating candy: Tooth decay and cavities occur when sugar reacts to bacteria and dental plaque. Brushing before candy consumption reduces the amount of bacteria and plaque on the teeth.
• Watch out for hard candy: Don’t just monitor the amount of sugar a child consumes, but also how long they keep sweet treats in their mouths. Kids should eat the candy right away, limit chewy candies that stick to teeth, as well as hard candies, which will be slowly eaten.
• Monitor overall candy consumption: There are two recommended options.
  • Keep candy consumption limited to a few pieces a day given with a meal or a snack.
  • Alternatively, have the child eat whatever the amount the adult decides at one setting, and then have them brush their teeth afterwards and give or donate the remaining candy.

4. …AND FOR THOSE WITH FOOD ALLERGIES WHO NEED TO BE CAUTIOUS: (KFAF)

• Plan an alternate activity, such as going to the movies, hosting a slumber party, or having a scavenger hunt around the neighborhood for safe treats or other items.
• When trick-or-treating, carry your child’s emergency medicines.
• Let the kids dress up and run house to house, while you carry a safe snack in case they want one. Bring wipes to clean the little hands first!
• Give neighbors safe Halloween treats in advance to hand out to your food allergic child.
• Prepare a container filled with safe treats in advance, and then swap it for the treats collected.
• Try a variation of the Tooth Fairy: Sort through unsafe candy, then leave it in a safe spot for a “Sugar Sprite” or “Candy Fairy” who exchanges it for a small gift, toy, or money. [
• Trade unsafe candy for allergen-safe treats or age-appropriate non-food items once your children return home. Non-food ideas include coloring books, storybooks, pencils, stickers, stuffed animals, toys, cash and play dough.
• If permissible, donate leftover candy to children who may not be able to go out and trick or treat.
• Check all ingredients. Remember that treat-size candy may have different ingredients or may be made on different machinery than the same regular-size candy.

5. FINALLY, MAKE SURE TO STAY IN TOUCH (AT&T)

• Make sure wireless phones are fully charged.
• Pre-program contact information of parents, neighbors and emergency services into your and your child’s speed dial, and be sure they know how to access these numbers with ease.
• Establish boundaries – Families should have in place a familiarized route for children to follow while out on the town. Consider a small tracking device that can easily slip into your child’s candy bag like the Garmin GTU 10 and follow them via PC or mobile phone.
• Set up periodic alarms with Halloween-themed tones as a reminder for trick-or-treaters to text or call home between candy collecting stops.

Wishing you and your family a safe, happy and healthy Halloween!!

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Resources:

1. American Academy of Pediatrics:  Halloween Safety Tips
2. American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry: AAPD Offers Halloween Tooth To-Dos For A Fun and Healthy Holiday
3. Kids with Food Allergies Foundation:  Take the Tricks Out of Treats
4. Safe Kids  Halloween: A Night for Treats, Not Tragedies
5. AT&T: Halloween Safety Tips for Parents
   

Be a Parent and Not a Referee: Simple Tips to End the Fighting

It’s the soundtrack to parenthood: the battles, the bickering, the rivalries. Mom- she’s touching me! He’s looking out my window! Tell her to get out of my room! Even on the best of days these sibling squabbles can make you want to pull your hair out. Add in busy schedules and mounting stress and coming home to conflict and contention can just be too much to handle. So what can you do when your living room more closely resembles a war zone rather than the relaxing retreat that it should be?

Though you can’t force your siblings to be best friends, you can get a handle on their squabbles and create a (relatively) harmonious home.

As you probably know already, just saying ‘You kids stop your fighting!’ isn’t going to cut it. Kids respond to firm boundaries and clear cut directives. So what you have to do is lay out some non-negotiable rules and enforce them…period.

There are four simple house rules that will result in a (temporary, at least) cease-fire on all the fighting. The key to successful implementation: consistency, consistency, consistency! (Did I say consistency?)

No yelling. Instate a ‘vow of yellibacy’ in your house and enforce it. When tempers flare and feelings are hurt, the volume decimal tends to rise, causing arguments to quickly escalate and get out of hand. Just remember: the ‘no yelling’ rule isn’t only for the kids, it goes for you too. Parents have to set the example for staying calm and collected when they are upset or angry as well. This should be rule number one. All family members must use calm voices only—no yelling allowed. And if talks get heated, anyone can make a time-out hand sign hinting that he needs to cool down. When cooler heads prevail, arguments get resolved much more quickly and in a way that is less stressful for everyone.

No taking without asking. Property ownership can be a BIG deal to little ones, and the time honored “Mooom, she’s touching my stuff!” complaint can be frequent in multi-child households. This can be a particularly touchy issue for tweens and teens- especially if there is a younger sibling in the house. Older siblings can get pretty upset when their iPods and laptops are confiscated by tiny sticky (literally!) fingers. Insist that permission of the owner must be granted before borrowing, using, or taking any property. Not only will this cut down on the conflict, but it will also make it easier to resolve any arguments that may come up. If permission was not asked for and granted, then you know who broke the rule. Simple as that.

No hurtful behaviors. With bullies and mean girls running the schools, it’s important that you set the standard for you home to be a safe haven for your kids. It should be a place free from hurtful behaviors. Set a strict policy: name-calling and hitting will not be tolerated, under and circumstances and they will result in a consequence. Tolerating hurtful behavior inside your home only encourages your kids to display it when you aren’t around as well- and that’s not a character trait any parent wants to encourage. This rule should stand for each child in your home, no matter what age they are. The consequences may differ according to the age group: for a younger child, a display of hurtful behavior will result in a time-out. If your child is older, then it means the loss of a privilege. While hitting and hurtful words are sure to happen when it comes to siblings, it’s up to you to make them understand that you will not tolerate it under any circumstance.

No involvement without evidence. If you are the parent of siblings, you’ve probably also spent a good deal of time playing referee. Kids are quick to run to a parent’s aid to help settle their disagreements and if you weren’t a witness to the incident itself, then it can be hard to know exactly what to do. Borba says you should get involved in the conflict only if you actually saw or heard it occur. This will help to keep you neutral and will encourage your kids to adopt strategies to help them work things out for themselves. If your kids seek your help, but you don’t have any evidence, then step away. Instead, suggest that they use Rock, Paper, Scissors to work out their problem. This prevents you from having to choose sides or take one kid’s word over another’s—and it will also teach them to work things out for themselves. After all, you won’t always be there to help them resolve their problems, so it’s better that they acquire the skills at home so they are ready when the time comes.

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Dr Borba’s book The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, is one of the most comprehensive parenting book for kids 3 to 13. This down-to-earth guide offers advice for dealing with children’s difficult behavior and hot button issues including biting, tantrums, cheating, bad friends, inappropriate clothing, sex, drugs, peer pressure and much more. Each of the 101 challenging parenting issues includes specific step-by-step solutions and practical advice that is age appropriate based on the latest research . The Big Book of Parenting Solutions has recently been released and is now available at amazon.com

Simple Tips to Prevent Childhood Obesity

I am always skeptical of easy fixes.

If a diet or a product or a book claims that they will have astounding results with little pain, my first instinct is to run in the other direction.

However, a study that will be published in March in the journal Pediatrics looks at risk factors for obesity and has three simple bits of advice that I think are worth following.

1. Eat with your family.
2. Decrease TV time.
3. Get more sleep.

Simple, right?

But are these recommendations really so simple? If so, why aren’t we all doing them?

Our lives are busy and some families do have difficulty intergrating consistent mealtimes during a week filled with work and kids activities. Parents allow their children to watch a lot of TV and playing video games and spend hours on the computer for a variety of reasons, including their children’s insistence and their fatigue at fighting and limit setting. And bedtimes creep later when kids fight and scream and yell and refuse to go to bed, and parents just don’t have the energy to fight it.

But making little steps towards these goals can really be a game changer for your family, and for your kids health now and in the future. According to one of the authors of the Pediatrics study, children who practiced all three of these behaviors had a 40% lower risk of obesity than those who did not.

So try it.  This week…

…Eat one more meal with your family than you usually do.

…Make some rules for kids about “screen time”. And enforce them. Every time.

…And put your kids to bed earlier: maybe start 15 minutes earlier, and go from there.

…And while you’re at it, put yourself to bed a little earlier too.   Sweet dreams….

Tips for parents:

To keep your family healthy and decrease your risk of obesity:

• Eat family meals together more than five times a week.
• Limit your children to no more than 1 hour of screen time on weekdays, and less than 2 hours on weekends.
• Aim for 10 1/2 hours of sleep for young and school-aged children.

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